Thinspiration.Thinspire.

Updates, Updates, Updates—Some Good, Some Sad

2011-11-24T19:28:00.001-05:00

Hi all:

It's been a while since my last (ana) confession, so I thought I'd check in, say hi, and update you on all that's happened in my world over the past several months.

Good—I've still been circling the globe like crazy. It's exciting, it's tiring. It is what it is. I'm thankful.
Sad—I've lost two boyfriends in 2011. I'm starting to think it's me. What/who else could it be?
Good—I've developed an unhealthy obsession with vintage-inspired lingerie and Dita Von Teese. She's so perfect—the way she carries herself, even though she's into burlesque and bondage, she's such a fucking lady. She's my newest role model.
Sad—I'm still struggling with my weight; teetering between the 140s and 150s over the past 3 months. I haven't crept up past that, so that's a plus in my book, especially since I came from a whopping 218 pounds. Still just a small plus, I know.
Good—I've finally given dairy the boot; I'm off it full-stop now.
Good and Sad—I have so much more to share, but I can't get my thoughts together, so I'll leave it here for now. Check back in soon—I definitely want to update more often. I do so much better when you all hold me accountable for my eating/actions!

And are you following me on Twitter? Please send me a request ASAP at @GirlGoingAna.

Tell me—what have you been up to? Fill me in on your progress!

xJax

A Beautiful Mess...

2011-07-03T20:35:00.001-04:00

...that's exactly what I am.

I'm astonished at how much weight I've lost, and while I'm very proud of my success, I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my life. I thought losing the weight would FINALLY help me live a life of eternal bliss, without a care in the world. Sadly, the exact opposite has happened. And I don't know how to fix it.

I walk around my home and my office like a complete zombie. FUCK food—even if I wanted to eat, I can't. Tears fall all the time—for absolutely no real reason at all. My apartment is always dark—I can't stand the light. The only sound that radiates through my living space is the ongoing drone of my air conditioners. I hate the sight of couples that are happy and in love and holding hands—I'm well on my way to my ultimate goal weight, and I still haven't found anyone to love me.

I should be happy, right? I should be bouncing off of the walls that my clothes are literally hanging off of me, and people repeatedly tell me how great I look... but since he doesn't care enough to say anything at all—nothing else seems to matter.

My astrologist told me that he is involved with another woman. A few of them in fact. And even though he thought I was marriage material, he's too immature and selfish to ever be able to be with only me. And that he doesn't want to speak to me, because he knows he'll have to answer to me, and he doesn't want to have to do that.

I hate myself for falling so deep in love with someone who would hurt me—someone that I KNEW would hurt me.

I knew it the night we met... I resisted speaking to him for an entire hour. I knew he'd be trouble, but I gave in anyway, because he's so gorgeous, and athletic, and funny, and I couldn't believe he'd seriously be interested in a fat fuck like me. And now he's not—anymore.

And that's why I'm depressed. Why am I not enough? Why can't I let this go? Why'd he have to lie to me, and hurt me? I can't believe I fell this hard for such a punk bitch. I can't believe how much I miss him. I'm shocked at how lonely I am. And I hate myself for what I'm about to say—if he came back tomorrow, I'd go right back for more. Because if he doesn't love me, I'm not sure I even want else anyone to.

A beautiful mess... that's exactly what I am.

xJax

This is My 100th Post

2011-06-05T10:59:00.004-04:00

Let me first say, I thought I would have reached my goal of 98 pounds by now, but alas, c'est la vie. I'm well on my way, and that's all that really matters at this very moment. I'm down 65 pounds and I'm incredibly proud of that.

But I don't know if it's enough.

Everyone keeps telling me 'how thin I look'... 'how svelte I look'... 'how much weight I've lost... 'how I'm disappearing'... 'how gorgeous I look'... and I don't see it. At all.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the same fat, blubbery girl I've always seen. I can't see what they see. And I can't help but wonder, does that ever change? When will I see it?

I guess it's true—when you have an EDNOS—you absolutely, 100,000% have it for life. No question about it—it's ingrained in every fiber of you. You NEVER get over it. You never see what everyone else sees.

Good thing I can see the number on the scale. I can promise you this—when I get to 98 pounds, I'm stopping. I'll never (EVER!) drop below that. (Can you imagine—that would be like losing 60% of my original weight. Crazy!)

Oh well, as long as everyone else can see it, that's all that matters, right? (Bonus points if he notices it too.)

xJax

Affirmations.

2011-05-26T21:28:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been listening to as many audiobooks as my ears can handle, all of which are related to The Secret and The Law of Attraction.

The common denominator amongst them all? Whatever it is that you want, believe that you can and will have it. Say it out loud. Write it down. Repeat it often. Silently to yourself and aloud to the universe. It is said that the mind will only believe what you tell it to, so be very careful about what you say and think. Erase the negative, embrace the positive. Below, everything I'm learning to believe, and everything I want to bring into my life.

—In everything that I do I am preparing myself for love—romantic, platonic, and self.
—In everything that I do I am preparing myself for my future husband, because I am ready to get married.
—In all of my actions, I am consciously working toward all of my goals; weight loss, physical health, mental health, emotional health, career, and nurturing stronger friendships.
—I am always conscious of everything I do, I always think things through, and I make sound decisions that help move my life forward.
—I am a nice, likable, lovable person, and I deserve to be treated with the upmost love and respect by everyone I encounter.
—I will have everything I have ever wanted, as long as I am steadfast, patient, and allow things to evolve naturally and in its own time. I know that I can not rush anything.
—I understand that everything is not for me, and if he doesn't choose me, it's OK. My life will still be full and fabulous, and I wish the same for his.
—I always give everything freely and wholly, and I will attract friends and a man with the very same qualities.
—I believe in the good in people, and I trust that the universe will bless me with everything that is meant for me.
—I am enough. For the right person, and for me. I will always be enough.

With all of that said, I am currently turning my home into an affirmation-rich zone. Post-it notes will litter my walls and mirrors, and everywhere I turn I will be reminded that everything is up for the taking, if I just believe.

What about you—what are your affirmations?

xJax

I Feel So Empty Inside...

2011-05-18T19:01:00.000-04:00

1) Because I haven't eaten. I haven't eaten...

2) Because my head hurts from crying too much. I've been crying...

3) Because I can't seem to get either of the boys I'm in love with to fall in love with me. They won't love me...

4) Because I'm fat. I'm fat...

5) Because I'm depressed. I'm depressed...

6) Because... See number 3. Vicious circle.

xJax

My "Hit" List

2011-01-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

Silence is a double-edged sword for me. I like to think that enjoy silence, but I recently realized that I actually do not. There are times when I turn off my iPhone, Blackberry, TV, iPod, MacBook Air, Kindle and all of my other gadgets that only distract me, and I find that I am at peace for a few moments, having my own thoughts entertain me. Until my mind starts to wander. I always end up thinking about myself. I hate thinking about myself, because I’m only thinking about how much I hate myself and the way I look, and how much I hate food for helping me get to where I am. It’s quite painful, so it’s easier for me to turn to a gadget for more mindless entertainment.

In search of said entertainment, I found myself scrolling through my Twitter feed the other day, and my friend in my head (@TheBodyScience) posed a rather interesting challenge to all of his followers: Make a list of all your body parts that need improving, prioritize them, and start training them specifically.

I thought about writing my HIT LIST in my personal journal, but I’ve decided to share it with you all. Here goes, in no particular order. I hate them all the same; they are all a priority.

My Arms
They jiggle from shoulder to elbow, and when I raise them, my flappy, fatty batwings are front and center. Gross.

My Back
There used to be six fat rolls back there, now there are four, and it looks like there will be two pretty soon. That’s good, but I won’t be happy until I have ZERO. (The last guy I had sex with grabbed onto them and seemed to enjoy it. I was BEYOND mortified.)

My Breasts
When I was in the 190s, I went to see a plastic surgeon about getting a reduction and a lift. He told me to lose a lot more weight, and come back. The more weight I lose, the longer and flatter my breasts get. So NOT sexy, and not what I signed up for when I decided to lose weight. I ultimately want to lose 120 pounds (only 70 more to go!); imagine what my boobs will look like when I finally get to 98? Dust flaps with nipples, I’m guessing.

My Jowls + Chin
I had breakfast with Tyra Banks last year, and she taught me how to pose for photographs so I’ll always be snapped looking my best. As of now I have chubby cheeks and a slight double chin, so getting even one photo that I like requires extreme savvy and a plethora of free time. I think I have my pose down pat, but I’d rather just have gaunt cheeks and one chin so I look stellar in any photo taken from any angle.

My Tummy
I have a mommy pooch and stretch marks, and I’ve never given birth to anything other than a food baby. Depressing, right?

My Bum
I wish it were bigger. MUCH bigger. I’m stacked up top, but lacking in the back. Again, not sexy. At all.

My Thighs
They touch. They’re dimply on the sides. Enough said.

My Calves
They’re a bit chunky (from fat, not muscle obviously). I struggle slightly zipping up my knee-high boots. And I have three pairs of thigh-high boots that are still new and in the box, as I can’t even think about wearing them.

That’s my HIT LIST. I call it a HIT LIST because everything that I have listed is my prime target; I’ll get them whittled down by the end of this year, without a doubt. In the illustrious words of Jay-Z, “I’m focused man”.

xJax

Reasons, Not Resolutions

2011-01-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

New Year’s Resolutions lists never really work for me. I write them, mainly because I feel as if I’m supposed to, but then I start to feel super shitty when I abandon my promises, and that’s such an awful feeling. I get up on my high horse, prance around for a few days (at best) following my newly-instituted makeover mantras on how I’ll exercise 5 hours a day every day—no questions asked, and how I’ll eat twice a week (three times if I absolutely must).

With lofty, ludicrous goals like those, I’m setting myself up to fail from the start. Or at least I was—I’m trying something new this time around. Below, my 2011 REASONS LIST. Here’s hoping that these will motivate me much more than any ridiculous resolution ever could.

Because my weight is not healthy. Especially for my height.

Because I’m never really hungry. Mindless munching is the devil, and ANA is much better to me (and for me) than food ever was.

Because I want to turn heads in a plain white tank and skinny jeans. Apparently men think women look sexiest wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans.

Because I want to feel like I belong. And not feel inferior to other women because I’m fat; it’s exhausting.

Because I want to believe that “he” (insert any name here) can actually like EVERYTHING about me. I’m tired of mentally insisting that “he” is thinking about thinner women when “he” is with me.

Because I’m tired of being envious of everything and everyone. I have a very lovely life; nothing else is wrong with me other than my weight, and with hard work and extreme dedication, I can fix that.

Because I want to wear my wardrobe. My closet is bursting at the seams with amazing pieces that I can’t wear just yet, and I’m so ready to toss my fat girl clothes.

Because being fat is mentally draining. I’m tired of thinking that everything is because of my weight, or because I’m fat, or because I’m a big girl.

Because I want to finally get my breasts done. I’ve always hated the way they looked, and they look even worse now that they’re rapidly deflating and are all stretched out.

Because I want to become impossibly limber, like a ballerina. Fat girls aren’t incredibly flexible, are they?

Because I want to start living my life. I’m over making plans for far in the future when I’m thinner; I just want to get there much sooner, so than I can be comfortable living in the now.

Because I’ve wanted to be fit for so long. It took a while to get here (YEARS!), but I’m finally ready to sacrifice absolutely any and everything to get the beautiful body I want.

Because I want to be done with all of this. I started at 218, and now that I’m in the 160s, I’m pleased, but not at all content, as I’ve still got roughly 70 pounds to drop.

What are your reasons? Please share a few with me!

xJax

A Week of Firsts

2010-11-20T09:35:00.000-05:00

I've been neglecting the blog again, and for that, I offer an apology. Here's a quick update on the last 7 days:

--I successfully completed my first fast. 48 hours!!!! Not one morsel of food crossed my lips; only tea, coffee, and water. Not bad at all, especially since I lost 5 pounds! (I assume because I'm much heavier, that's why I was able to lose so much weight in such a short amount of time.)

--I successfully purged yesterday. I'm currently in Miami, and for some AWFUL reason I decided to binge on tuna salad, pina coladas, and french fries. I felt horrific, and really stuffed, and incredibly gross, and I really just needed to get it out of my system.

Purging wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I stood up instead of kneeling, which made it much easier for me. I don't think I got everything back up, but it was enough for me to feel emptier, which is quickly becoming my favorite feeling.

I still believe that eating less is a much easier way for me to obtain my goals, but it is comforting to know that if I do slip up and overeat, I have the power to rid myself of my meal mistake in mere minutes.

xJax

An In-Depth Response

2010-10-07T06:35:00.002-04:00

Usually I respond to every single comment in the comment section of that respective post, but I felt compelled to respond in a post of its own to the text below (in red):

what if you let go of the idea that youre not good enough?

you've already tried months of your life thinking negatively about who you appear to be on the outside--but who are you on the inside?

do you believe that you should be measured by what you look like or how much you weigh, or is there more to you than that?

if you are unhappy with the way you look, its ok. thats normal. i dont know anybody who doesnt feel that way (if not all the time, most of the time, or very often) ...but realize that this is NOT a permanent, un-changeable state of mind.

you can change the way you feel and think. only you are in control of how you think. you clearly have a strong mind and strong willpower, maybe try a day where instead of trying so hard to focus on calories and slimming down you simply focus on thinking positively about yourself. give yourself compliments, tell yourself you're the shit. even if you feel like youre lying, or like it's not going to work, just try it and maybe you'll see that you're capable of believing in who you are. you're already beautiful, you just need to feel it!

i believe in you

-Anonmyous

Dear Anonmyous,

While I am thankful to you for sharing your thoughts and believing in me, I must respectfully disagree with your mindset. Thinking positive about myself is a slippery slope that I'm fighting very hard to get off of. After years and years of ignoring the harsh truth about myself (and thinking positively about my "curvy" figure), I must admit, I am fat. Fat, fat, fat. It's a fact of my life; my scale tells me every single morning that I have 41% body fat and that at 185 pounds, I am obese. A "normal" healthy woman of my height has between 18% and 24% body fat, FYI.

Some of my posts on this blog may come off as vain, as I do work in a very vain industry, but the driving force behind my want for extreme weight loss is indeed health reasons. I very badly want to be at my optimal physical health; to not have my doctors scream at me, and ask me why I haven't lost much weight in the last 5 years and to not remind me of the negative repercussions of being so fat. To not walk into a yoga class and have the instructor single me out and show me how to modify the pose for someone of my size. To not walk into a bar and leave without having met anyone, because even though I have a pretty face and an awesome personality, I have a horrific body shape. To not be the only girl on my team that isn't engaged or married with a MASSIVE diamond ring on her finger. (OK, maybe that last one was a tad bit vain.)

But it's the truth. And if you are going to read my blog and bother getting involved, then you should know the truth about me.

Yes, the brain is the most powerful tool ever, which is why I'm using it to change my MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. My MIND controls what I put into my BODY, and I fight urges everyday to fill it with utter crap just to make me "feel" better. My BODY controls my SPIRIT; if I don't look good, then I don't feel good, thus vastly diluting my SPIRIT. No matter how many times I look into the mirror and chant positive affirmations, I feel as if I will end up right back where I started if I continue on this way: 218 pounds. MIND > BODY > SPIRIT; all directly connected, and it's not a mistake that the word MIND comes first.

I've always admired truly ANA-girls for having the willpower to diligently deny food and focus intently on their goals, and actually achieve them. These girls are in full control of their minds, and I want to enjoy the same greatness. I understand that I can not "catch" anorexia, nor do I want to. I fully believe that the way these girls live their lives is something that we should all look into and derive inspiration from. I've learned some of my best diet and fitness tips from the ANA-community, not Jillian Michaels, the Tae-bo guy, or the legions of diet books on shelves today.

I invite you to check in with me from time to time. Read my blog and my twitter feed if you'd like; perhaps that way you can begin to try to understand why some girls feel as if an ANA-lifestyle is the best-slash-only option for them.

I will leave you with this:

My doctor recently told me that no matter how much dieting I do, it will never help someone with my sluggish metabolism and lumpy body-type. I have to diet and exercise vigorously every single day for the rest of my life to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. He pretty much said in so many words, become an exercise bulimic if you want to lose weight.

Even those with fancy degrees believe in the power of going to the extreme.

xJax

HELP!

2010-10-03T06:57:00.002-04:00

I really want to get back to NYC and hit the ground running on this phase of my ANA lifestyle. I know I'm not capable of completely starving myself just yet (I'll get there!), but I do want to only consume the smallest amount of low-calorie food possible

As my doctor told me, I just have one of those bodies that has to work extra, extra, extra hard to lose even one pound, so I need all the shortcuts I can find. Food is an obvious one.

So girls... what are your go-to low-calorie foods?

On my grocery list right now are:

-clementines
-walnuts (or are they too fattening?)
-concentrated lemon juice (to mix with warm water)
-carrots (is hummus fattening?)
-plain popcorn

I want to exist on the bare minimum.

Also, what should I toss from my cabinets? I really don't cook, but my cabinets are full of crap that I'd never bother with anyway. (I really just like grocery shopping for some odd reason.) Gluten-free noodles, gluten-free rice cakes, peanut butter, tuna fish, quinoa pasta, agave nectar for tea, honey, ground coffee... what can stay and what should go?

HELP!

P.S. I'll be publishing your tips in another blog post with links back to your blogs/twitter pages, so that other girls who need help with food have a direct line to those who know best.

xJax

Realization

2010-10-02T06:48:00.002-04:00

Just a heads up, this post will be all over the place. I'm in Paris, but my internal clock is on NYC time, so bear with me and try to keep up.

I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

Whenever someone shoots me a dirty 'why-is-she-here' look, I automatically understand it is because of my weight. When a guy bypasses me for a thinner girl, I know it's because of my weight. When people don't want to get to know me (until they learn who I am and who I work for), I know 100% it is because of my weight.

Looking at thinspo blogs is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, it inspires me to do better, especially the before/after photos. Those really help me see an end point, which I respond well to.

Then I see the photos of the 17-year-old girls who are so super thin and fashionable and sexy and they know it. Those really get under my skin.

When I was 17 and just entering undergrad, I didn't know what I had as far as my figure was concerned. I was a curvy/petite size 3/4 with a fantastic figure. I just didn't realize it. I ate, and ate, and ate until I emerged a sophomore 9 months later with 70 more pounds packed onto my frame.

I still haven't lost it.

I'm still not that size 3/4 girl I should be, and I've lost so much time. Time is a tricky fucker. It is beyond precious; you can never get it back and it slips away so quickly. Please, please BE CONSCIOUS of time. Look at where you're at, where you need to go, and calculate how much time it will take to get there and stick to your game plan like super glue. Stare at your nude body in the mirror and learn to hate it. I've just started doing that every morning, and I think it helps. It's etched in my brain all day long, especially when I go to consume a little chow. It's all part of the plan.

And I've got a new game plan, and it includes sex. Lots of sex.

I haven't been having much sex in the last several years, because I am very uncomfortable in my body. I have backfat, my boobs roll down to the mattress when I lay down, I'm convinced guys are thinking about hotter, thinner girls when they're in bed with me... I just give up completely to the point that I push men away with my negative self-image and subsequent frigidity. I try to pass it off as being above it all and elitist, but really, I'm just fat and insecure.

There's a super sexy tomcat inside of me that's just waiting to get out and play the field. I'm hoping that if I repeat that to myself every three minutes, it'll keep me on top of my goals and food out of my hands.

The sad thing is, I don't even eat all that much, and I'm still fat and plateaued at 185 pounds. I recently visited a doctor to test my blood for virtually everything, and he says I'm perfectly healthy. I'm just LAZY.

Well, damn.

Perhaps he's right. Until recently, I wasn't drenched in sweat when leaving the gym. I wasn't drinking my weight in water day in, day out, I wasn't exercising while watching TV and reading. I could have been using those times to work on my body.

Every single waking moment, I should be working on my body in some way: Kegel exercises, sitting crunches, thigh and calf squeezes, bicep presses, etc. Even sitting at my desk is secret gym time.

I am truly EDNOS. I have an eating disorder like no one else I've encountered, which I think makes it harder to get down to my goal weight. Though, I REFUSE to let that cripple me. Lots of people are the only person they know dealing with a certain affliction. I've got support from my twitter pals (namely @fatgirlonadiet1), and I will get there.

How are you girls doing on your goals? LMK if there's any way I can help. You girls can help me by checking in from time to time and keeping me on my toes. I've always been an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of girl. And that has to change.

xJax

I've Been Bad. Three Reasons Why.

2010-09-30T21:23:00.001-04:00

-I haven't been blogging. In my defense, I LOVE Twitter SO much!

-I haven't been working out as much as I should. In my defense, I've been traveling like a maniac, so that helps keep my weight down!

-I had sex. In my defense, I really like him and he doesn't mind that I'm fat, even if I do.

That's all for now. Just wanted to let you girls know that I'm still alive and kicking, and unfortunately, fat.

I'm Britney on the right. Imagine how hot I'll look when I become Britney on the left.

I've got to do better.

xJax

Down 10 Pounds, Never Coming Back!

2010-07-17T17:34:00.002-04:00

If you've been following me on Twitter, then you know it's been an exceptional week for me weight-wise. (If not, shame on you! Tweet with me at @GirlGoingAna).

This time last year, I weighed 218 pounds. I began the week at 196.6. Today I weighed in at 186.6. I actually lost 10 pounds in one week. That's remarkable for me, and I'm going to do everything I can to ensure my weight keeps dropping at this rate.

As for what I've been doing, of course I've been exercising and keeping up with my modified vegan diet, but mostly I've been obsessed with LoserTown.org, a website that tells you exactly how many calories to consume daily to reach your goal weight by a certain day.

So, because of my age and current weight, I will have to workout 3 to 5 times a week, and consume less than 750 calories a day to make it to my goal weight of 99 pounds by mid-March. And I can totally handle with that. This is the first time that I've actually seen a charted plan to follow for successful weight loss. I'm very analytical in that regard; I need to see everything on paper first. And to see that it actually works? Loving that.

Figure out your daily calorie intake HERE.

And... you're welcome.

xJax

My New Diet

2010-07-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

I wanted to wait at least a week until I was absolutely sure to share, so now is as good of time as any to tell you that I've become a modified vegan!

I gave up land meat in 6th grade after we dissected a pig (SO GROSS!); I gave up gluten last year; and I gave seafood and dairy seven days ago.

After reading Skinny Bitch for the umpteenth time, I finally decided it was time to let it all go. All of the things that I love so much but don't love me back had to go, like garlic butter and lobster tails, grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream and a glass of milk to wash it down with.... goodbye, au revior, hasta luego, das vidania!

And surprisingly, it isn't as hard as you'd think. Case in point: I was in San Francisco last week, and I went to my FAVORITE sushi restaurant, and instead of getting a salmon skin hand roll, I modified it and got an avocado and scallion hand roll. Just as decadently delicious, but without shoveling animal flesh down my throat.

As for why I quit dairy, living in NYC amplifies your allergies, and I developed a mild sinus allergy to all things delicious animal by-product. After consuming cheese, sour cream, creme fraiche, lattes, et al, my sinuses would drain uncontrollably. One day after not having any dairy, my sinus canal hath dried up.

It's a miracle. I'm not eating half as much as I used to (and I'd already cut way back), and I'm not as hungry. I think my stomach is shrinking which is GREAT!

xJax

Talk to Me

2010-07-11T09:21:00.002-04:00

I had a nervous breakdown this morning. Yesterday I weighed 194.6. Today, I weighed 199.8. How the fuck could I have possibly gained 6 pounds in one damn day!?!?!?!?!?!? I barely ate anything. I'm SO over it. I HATE my body. I literally despise my reflection.

After crying uncontrollably for an hour, I decided that instead of jumping out of the window (which I SERIOUSLY contemplated), I'd try another method: Twitter.

From what I hear, it's the best way to get of-the-moment inspiration in real-time. Follow me on twitter at @GirlGoingAna, where I'll be tweeting random quotes and thinspiration images, and thoughts about my diet, exercise, my body issues, as well as doling out advice (once I'm in a position to share, that is).

What are your twitter handles? Follow me, and I'll follow you! I need as much support as I can get!

UPDATE: I weighed myself and hour later and weighed 195.4. MUCH better than 199.8! Still awful though. :(

xJax

Mind Over Munching/Matter

2010-07-06T08:49:00.000-04:00

As you all know, I'm in the process of moving. While cleaning off my bookcase yesterday, I came across a journal from 2008, and this is what I found doodled on one of the pages:

-I am this pen; slim, smooth, trim, beautiful, and lean.

-My body can feed off of itself for a few months.

-Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

-Control. Mind control and portion control. Control.

-I will be thin. Just think thin.

- [Bodies I Love]: Chanel Iman, Genevieve Jones, Carrie Bradshaw, Ashley Olsen, Rachel Bilson.

Quite baffling that I haven't reached my goal yet. IN OVER 2 YEARS! Does food have that much power over me?

Not anymore.

xJax

Unexpected Insight

2010-07-05T11:59:00.002-04:00

Every weight loss book, expert, blog, et al says the same thing: "You HAVE to eat breakfast if you want to lose weight." For years, I've tried my damnedest to abide by this cardinal rule. (Plus I believe that breakfast is the most delicious meal one can eat.)

Fast forward to this morning. My college friend is visiting from Kentucky, and he's doing all he can to drop weight as well. His amazing response to my 'always eat breakfast' sermon?

"I don't understand how eating anything will help me lose weight."

Well said, B. Well said. He's a manorexic and doesn't even know it. Seems as if I should be turning to him for advice.

xJax

Change Location, Change Luck...

2010-06-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

(...That's one of my favorite lines uttered by Carrie in the Sex and The City series.)

I have news... after weeks of scouring the island of Manhattan for new digs, I have a new apartment and it's PERFECT. I currently reside on the Upper East Side (Gossip Girl-ville), but next month I'll be a proud resident of Times Square/Midtown. I'm really excited to live in such a bustling neighborhood, and be able to walk to work! Bonus, there's a swimming pool and a 24-hour gym in the building. Talk about NO EXCUSES. And a sexy new address should be accompanied by a sexy new body right?

Just more motivation to lose the weight.

Off to L.A.! Will check back in soon.

xJax

Mission 1: Mind Over Matter

2010-06-09T01:14:00.000-04:00

Girls!

So very sorry for my absence; since I last checked in, I've spent a good amount of time in France, Germany, and Switzerland, so I'd scaled back my thinspo efforts, for obvious reasons. (Damn that decadent European food.) Though technically, this reason shouldn't be that obvious, as if I'm really serious about dropping pounds, theoretically I should be able to live in a cupcake factory and still lose weight.

Mind over munching/matter is my current mission.

But I'm only human, and it takes time to erase and rewrite my thoughts/feelings about food. Progress won't happen over night, and I'm comfortable with that, as long as I don't back-peddle. If I were to lose 100 pounds in 24-hours, I guarantee you I wouldn't appreciate it. Working for it makes me feel like I've accomplished something, and I get a thrill from seeing the scale inch down ever so gently.

The good news is, when I landed back in NYC yesterday, I weighed the exact same as when I left! The bad news is, I weighed the exact same as when I left!

To put things back into perspective, I've jogged a total of about 8 miles in the last day-and-a-half, so I've hit the ground running, literally. On my way down to 180, and I need as much help as I can get. Do continue to leave your comments, positive or negative. I read them all, and they're absolutely food for thought on this mission that binds us together in our 'Striving for Skinny Sorority'.

This post is all over the place. I'm jet-lagged and half-sleep. Off to slumber. Be back soon with a story about my nude pics and my 'body bucket list'.

xJax

P.S. - I'm re-reading Skinny Bitch, because I could use a little tough love right now.

Quote of the Day: YOU CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT!

2010-04-23T18:44:00.001-04:00

xJax

The Lovely Bones

2010-04-18T10:27:00.001-04:00

This is what I'm working towards every single day. Every single day. This week I lost 6 lbs. and got under 190 lbs. for the first time since LAST SEPTEMBER. I had been hovering between 190-195 since then. This time next week, I pray to be under 185. (I'd be happy with losing 5 pounds a week; I'd be very satisfied with that.)

And once I can see protruding bones, I'll be OVERJOYED! (I haven't seen bones on myself since high school!)

Click the image below twice to enlarge.

xJax

A Must Read: Overcoming Overating

2010-04-04T09:37:00.001-04:00

Between my travels to Paris and Tokyo, I spent a day at Barnes & Noble in Union Square, perusing the self-help aisle. For some divine reason, I suddenly realized I'm not strong enough to do this alone.

Yes, I have this blog to vent, and your blogs to read, but I still need to understand my issue from a medical, mental standpoint.

After a few hours, I settled on Overcoming Overeating by Lisa Marrone, PT. This profound piece of literature deeply explores many of the REAL REASONS why we have issues with food, what exactly obesity means for your health in the long run (did you know that being overweight is linked to dementia?), and how to overcome your mental addiction to food.

I can now admit that my addiction to food is as strong as any heroin addict's addiction to smack.

Oh, and the fact that this book has 5-stars accompanied by countless glowing comments on Amazon.com is just a bonus.

So... have any of you ever turned to self-help literature for advice and enlightenment? If so, what books/blogs/websites have helped you along in your journey?

xJax

When You're On the Brink of Binging...

2010-03-27T01:38:00.001-04:00

... Log onto Craving for Thinspiration, which is exactly what I do. It's where I go to find poignant pictures like this:

Really puts it all into perspective, doesn't it.

I have tried restricting, but not purging. I think I'll give it a go.

Are any of you purging? How do you feel afterward? Any tips?

xJax

If Only I Had Emily's Willpower...

2010-03-27T01:31:00.000-04:00

"I'm on this new diet where I don't eat anything, and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese." The bitchiest assistant ever, Miss Emily from The Devil Wears Prada.

Hi girls!

Nothing good to report really - I spent the bulk of the month in Paris and Tokyo, and came back weighing the same amout I did when I left. All that walking and light eating, and I'm still where I started when I left. I'm SO frustrated.

I guess the good thing there is that I've not gained anything extra.

Though I really want to hurl myself out of the window.

And Emily?

That's all.

xJax

I Understand How Being Fat Conjures Up Thoughts of Suicide

2010-02-24T12:30:00.001-05:00

I finally get it.

I understand how people can want to hurl themselves out of the window after looking in the mirror, or trying on clothes.

For some reason, all of my bras are all of a sudden too small. Even though I'm losing weight everywhere else, it seems as if my breasts are getting bigger.

I'm fucking sick of it.

I hate how I feel after eating. I hate how I feel when I look at myself. I hate how I feel everyday.

Thing is, I would NEVER commit suicide, but I get why others would want to take that route.

xJax

Currently...

2010-02-20T18:40:00.003-05:00

...building an inspiration board that mostly features Genevieve Jones (look at that chest bone!), a socialite turned jewelry designer, and Miroslava Duma, fashion editor at Russian Harper's Bazaar. Love everything about these two; the mystery that surrounds them both, their figures, their style - I plan to morph into a myriad of them as soon as the weight falls off.

...watching Twilight repeatedly.Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that the universe sends me an Edward Cullen STAT. I want a man to love me the way he loves Bella.

...not eating potatoes, as I've given them up for Lent. French fries, mashed, baked, twice baked, potato chips - I've gone off them cold turkey. And surprisingly, I'm doing OK without them so far. Maybe the fact that I've lost 4 pounds has a little something to do with it.

...gearing up to start jogging every morning again now that fashion week is over. I have less than two weeks before I head to Paris to cover the shows, so I want to maximize that time.

...researching colonic hydrotherapy. I've never had one, and my sinuses drain constantly for no apparent reason. And since they say good health starts in the colon, I'm thinking it's time to flush it out. The fact that you can lose anywhere from 5 to 20 pounds after a colonic? Just a bonus. ;)

What are you all up to?

xJax

A Quick Update

2010-01-25T08:59:00.001-05:00

Nothing really new here - I've hit another plateau and I'm pissed. I'm working out every single day, lifting weights, doing cardio, but for some reason my body is clearly content at a lardy 190 lbs. Even though my clothes are looser and I've lost inches, my body is becoming more muscular, and I can't seem to drop the pounds as a result.

There is one silver lining here - I've become freakishly flexible. I'm hoping to put this to use once I'm allowed to have sex again.

To that end, my trainer has placed me on a new diet. I am to consume a low-fat fruit smoothie in the morning for breakfast, and a shit ton of veggies for the remainder of the day, save for a piece of fruit for snack.

How yummy. (I'm working hard to convince myself of this.)

One drink and the rest is roughage. I guess that's what I should have been consuming all along.

She also has me working out nonstop; I hope I can keep up with this for the next few weeks. I'm heading to Vegas for work over the weekend, and we all know how I get when I travel...

xJax

Everything Just Seems SO Trivial Right Now...

2010-01-15T18:21:00.000-05:00

Earthquake. Haiti. Over 100,000 feared dead. Virtually everyone is homeless. People are missing. Aid is slow to arrive.

Shit just got real.

If you're reading this, know that we are truly blessed.

Seeing the heartache that this earthquake has caused has put everything into perspective for me once again. Not only have I donated clothes and money to help Haiti, I'm also planning to skip several meals. If they can't eat - why should I?

Here I am CONSTANTLY whining about being fat, when I'm only fat because I spend a shitload of money on food. It's a vicious circle that some can't even afford to spin around in. And here I am, taking it all for granted.

I've been wasteful and gluttonous my entire life, and I don't want to be that way anymore. This earthquake has totally streamlined my views on life.

What are you girls doing differently in the wake of this crisis?

xJax

The Weight Loss Queen: Lily Allen

2010-01-12T19:49:00.001-05:00

Seriously, she's the inspiration of today. She allows her weight to balloon when she's going through a personal crisis, but when she's over it - she snaps right back to her size 2/4 frame. And it seems like the magical weight loss happens so quickly, like in one day. How the fuck does she do it?

xJax

Keeping Up With My New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-09T16:02:00.002-05:00

That means I've been back in the gym. Actually working out. Want to know what I hate the most?

Cardio. Like, HATE it.

The elliptical, the treadmill, the stationery bike—they all suck MAJOR ass.

But according to my trainer, it's the only way I can drop weight quickly.

Other than restricting, that is. Skipping dinner really works. So right now, I'm combining both. Let's see how far this gets me!

Any other tips to share?

xJax

Current Thinspiration: Christina Aguilera & Nicole Richie

2010-01-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Don't they look so thin and sexy and chic and beautiful?

Le sigh.

xJax

I Have a Negative Relationship With Food

2010-01-02T08:43:00.001-05:00

I grew up in a home where you had to clean your plate at all meals. Period. No questions asked, you eat every single morsel on your plate.

Throughout my adult life, I've held on that. As if that's not enough, I picked up the sordid habit of eating SUPER fast, to the point that I didn't really even chew my food. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow un-chewed bites?)

Looking back, I realize the way I was raised with food wasn't healthy, and didn't lend well to healthy food relationship down the line.

Every day I'm working on undoing the damage my parents placed on me; now I try to chew, chew, chew to the point that there's nothing but mush in my mouth, and I consciously try and leave at least half of my food on my plate. (Which is hard, because you want to get your money's worth—food is expensive!) Last night was a breakthrough, I left exactly half of my polenta in the bowl—baby steps!

Realizations like this are helping me along in my journey to drop the weight.

xJax

I'm bring in 2010 at...

2009-12-31T20:28:00.003-05:00

...195.4 pounds. I'M SO ASHAMED. Check in with me on 12/31/10 - I guarantee I will half this. Yup - 97.7 pounds. That's not a resolution, it's a SOLUTION.

Off to Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon's NYE bash! Happy New Year girls!

xJax

My Weight Resolutions for 2010

2009-12-30T21:06:00.003-05:00

New Year's Resolutions. Le sigh.

I know that most people make them, but this year I'm publishing my list as a testimonial to myself and to all of my readers that I WILL better myself and my body in the coming year.

In 2010, I vie that I will...

- take it one day at a time, and not get overly frustrated. And when a day seems too long, one hour at a time.

- fully understand that I didn't become obese in one day, so I won't become thin in 24 hours either.

- keep myself busy when I'm bored (which is when I tend to mindlessly binge eat).

- drink my weight in still water each day. (And not get pissed about spending so much time in the loo.)

- remember that sparkling water doesn't count as water.

- trust myself, and know that I will reach my goals if I continue to be steadfast on my journey.

- remember that my previous tactics didn't work, and that I have to rely on more intense methods to continue to drop weight.

- constantly think about the future, and envision myself as the total package when I reach my goal.

- not bother with getting into a relationship (or having sex) until I meet my third goal weight. That will be my reward to myself.

- be thoroughly grossed out by my body each morning. I will examine every fat roll and cellulite dimple and keep my eyes on the prize.

- stay far, far away from fast convenient food, and take my time in choosing what I decide to nourish my body with. (The more time I take to choose a food, the higher the probability that I will not even bother to eat!)

- chant fat, fat, fat over and over again when I feel myself faltering and about to cave.

- remember that every morsel I consume is a step backwards in my overweight plight.

- visit thinspiration sites every single morning while I'm having a light breakfast to remind me not to overeat.

- work very hard at only consuming fruit and veggies. Starch is my drug of choice, and if you let me I'll get a hit every single day, three times a day.

- keep up with the parts of me that are beautiful. My hair will always be done, my nails and toes will always be freshly painted, and I will not skip my monthly massages, waxes, and facials. Lately I've been slacking on these things because subliminally I've felt like I didn't deserve them since I am fat, and no one gets to enjoy them anyway since I'm single, but that's about the change.

Bye-bye 2009! I'm getting thin in 2010!

xJax

Coffee Curbs the Urge for Dinner

2009-12-27T02:52:00.002-05:00

I must've drank too much coffee this evening, as I planned to have some sort of semblance of dinner, but I had the worst case of coffee cramps ever.

Ever.

Drinking a cup of Colombian on an empty tummy is definitely a double-edged sword; on one hand, it fills me up for hours on end in exchange for minimal caloric intake. (Which I love!) Though, on the other, it fucks with the acidity of my tummy since it's so strong; I couldn't even fathom the thought of dinner. (Which is bloody fantastic, because I was leaning toward ordering Chinese tofu over rice. Fat, fat, fat. And more fat.)

Thanks Starbucks! I'm one missed meal closer to my goal weight.

xJax

After Xmas Shopping = A Revelation for Jax

2009-12-26T17:24:00.003-05:00

So, I headed up to the Bronx this morning to scoop up a few Rodarte for Target pieces. (Side note: they're putting a Target on the island of Manhattan, and I couldn't be MORE excited.)

One thing you should know about me is that I'm a HUGE online shopper, simply because I prefer to try on pieces in the comfort of my own home. I'm not struggling to get in and out of the dressing room in a timely manner, I'm able to try on several different pairs of shoes with each look, and I'm just generally more relaxed. (Shouldn't shopping be a more relaxed activity anyway?) And, free return shipping is a major plus in my book!

But today I decided against my better judgment and tried on the entire collection in-store. Some pieces fit beautifully, others horrendously, though most fell in the mediocre lane. Having recently gone from a size 18 to a 12, my body is in this weird transition phase where I'm not particularly "big" anymore, but I'm still fat. In fact, I can "pass" as being big-boned if I don looser hippie-type clothing.

In the midst trying on garments, I caught a glimpse of myself only in my undergarments—standing in front of a three-way mirror. ICYDK, in a dressing room there's nowhere to hide these grotesque fat rolls (I have 4 now, I used to have 6), my disgusting muffin top, and jiggly arms and thighs.

I haven't seen my entire body from every angle in God knows how long. I actually only look in the full-length mirror when I'm fully dressed and on my way out of the door. It was a REAL wake-up call. I understand that I've come a long way weight-wise (and I am grateful), but I also understand that I still have a very long way to go.

And I'm starting to get impatient. When I was leaving Target this afternoon, I passed a McDonalds and seriously contemplated going in and throwing it all away by chowing down on a Fish Filet, french fries, and vanilla milkshake. I'm happy to report that I didn't. I had to chant fat, fat, fat, fat, fat silently as I walked by. Try it—it works!

This in-between body phase is totally fucked up—have any of you ever been there? What do you do to get yourself to the next level? How do you all push through without giving in and giving up?

xJax

Hope Everyone is Having a Lovely Christmas!

2009-12-25T14:55:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I haven't hit my goal 2nd weight just yet (I'm WAY off schedule), I'm having a pretty good day, currently cheating on my restricting by noshing on low-fat gluten-free risotto, broccoli, and black cherry sparkling water.

Truth is, I was all up in arms the other day, because I'd been working out with a trainer every day, doing Bikram yoga a few times a week, and I was gaining weight (5 lbs.!!!), even though I looked sleeker and my clothes were fitting looser. I finally snapped out of it when my mommy reminded me that it doesn't matter how I get the weight off, as long as it comes off at a safe, healthy pace. And as long as I looked good, who cares about 5 measly pounds of muscle, especially when I am already pretty big.

I'm happy to report that I'm now losing fat and gaining muscle, so I'm getting leaner and stronger by the day.

That's a swell Christmas gift I'll say.

xJax

A Quick Update:

2009-12-20T00:45:00.000-05:00

The Good News? I'm a size 12 in H&M apparel. I used to be a size 16 - if it were meant to be loose fitting. If it was supposed to fit tight, I had ZERO chance of slipping into it.

The Bad News? I still don't look like this.

(This image is from the Herve Leger Spring 2010 fashion show. I sat front row in the center of the runway; if you look close enough you can see my stiletto-clad foot.)

xJax

Can I Be You?

2009-12-12T12:08:00.000-05:00

From the face to the body to the hair to the pout—she's pretty much perfect.

xJax

This is THE BEST Thinspo Ever.

2009-12-12T11:25:00.001-05:00

I went to the Victoria's Secret fashion show taping in November, and I forgot how awesome all of the girls looked until I got around to watching the show on DVR last week. Now I watch it every time I sit down for a minor nibble, and it keeps me from overeating. I barely want to finish the morsels on my saucer! (I only eat off of tiny plates now. Try it—it helps!)

These skinny bitches keep me going. Click the picture to make it larger, and click HERE to watch it, if you haven't already.

xJax

Hungry? Eat Chanel.

2009-12-10T19:48:00.003-05:00

MUCH tastier than food anyway. That's what I call a happy meal.

xJax

I'm currently...

2009-12-09T08:43:00.005-05:00

... amassing a ridiculous digital thinspiration portfolio. Also making mood boards featuring waif models wearing clothing that I can't currently fit.

... drinking a huge glass of ice cold water for dinner most nights. And hot water with lemon for dessert.

... popping an Adderall pill each morning after only a few spoonfuls of vanilla yogurt for breakfast.

... making plans of how my life WILL be once I drop 100 more pounds (can't wait to share with you all!).

... doing everything in my power to not gain a single pound ever again.

... learning to appreciate (and LOVE) the intense feeling of hunger.

... learning how to be OK watching other people eat, almost satisfied that I have the willpower to say no.

... eyeballing sexy bikinis for next summer. I haven't worn one since I was 5 years old!

... saving up for breast reconstruction surgery. I'm a size 42DD now, and I want to be a 32A. Breast bone is the sexiest part of a woman's body to me.

... keeping myself CRAZY busy. I now have two new clients (I recently started a digital consulting business), and have been working extra hard at the magazine, while learning French. French women are the epitome of sexy to me, so I'm immersing myself in their culture hoping I can become one by default.

What have you been up to?

xJax

Feels Like I'm Headed Back Where I Started. 218.

2009-11-30T11:06:00.006-05:00

FYI, I'm tired of falling off the weight loss wagon, and having to get back up, and dust off the same weight I already lost! I wish I could just stay up there, and ride the pounds till they drop the fuck off for good. What does it take?

Girls, so sorry for the lack of updates. (I know, I know, I say that a lot.) I'm launching a few side businesses in addition to my daily job at the magazine, and unfortunately eating makes me comfortable. Even if it subsequently makes me a FAT outsider in a world of stick thin beauties. And eating helps me forget about how stressful my life really is. Even though the bulk of my stress comes from being overweight.

And I'm ashamed of my lack of willpower.

I lost 30 pounds this year - but have gained 10 back. And that's WAY too much.

I haven't been able to shed the 10 pounds I gained in Costa Rica, and on the cruise I took the following week. I need to get back to basics. I refuse to fail yet again.

I have to:

-Get back on my Adderall taking one pill each morning,
-Return to weighing my food every single time before I eat anything,
-Work out for at least two hours each day,
-Drink iced cold water like its going out of style.

I have to shed this weight, I want to be down 30 more pounds before February. I'll be spending 5 weeks in Europe, and I really need to be much thinner than I am now...

One thing that really helped me stay focused before was this blog. It's an outlet to talk to my peers in weight loss, and your dialogue really helps me. Thank you for being there and helping me through.

I want to do better.

xJax

Just a Quick Reminder...

2009-11-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

To get here:

You must remember...

xJax

Thinsporation: Jaslene Gonzalez

2009-11-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

I quit paying attention to ANTM after Season 3, but this lovely Latina really stood out. Look how thin she is! Oh, to have that body. Here's hoping these images inspire you to work off some of that Turkey Day pudge.

xJax

Back from Costa Rica...

2009-11-14T10:20:00.001-05:00

... 10 pounds heavier!

Well, actually 7 now since I dropped 3 this week.

The food there is SO decadent, and the resort I was at fed us pina coladas every hour on the hour.

I'm not at the point where I can turn down a fruity frozen drink. Bear with me, I'll get there. In fact, last night while shopping, I walked past a Wendy's AND a McDonald's!

Baby steps!

Back with more très soon. Just wanted to give you girls a mini-update.

xJax

Updates + More Thinspo

2009-10-27T07:53:00.005-04:00

Hey girls,

I've been working in Miami for the last several days, so that's why I've been MIA--no pun intended.

Good news is that I've managed to maintain my weight; maybe I'm over the whole traveling = 5 extras pounds thing? (I'm headed to Costa Rica next week, so we'll test this theory further!)

Here's a few pictures to get you through the week!

xJax

The Perfect Profile

2009-10-18T12:11:00.002-04:00

I bet her waist is like 20 inches.

Damn.

xJax

My Dinner Last Night (at 2:30 am)

2009-10-18T11:38:00.003-04:00

Living in Manhattan is a gift and a curse.

The upside is I can get anything I want at any time, day or night. The downside is that I can get anything I want at any time, day or night.

My period started last night, around 1am, and I couldn't stop thinking about french fries and ice cream. I guess my body was asking for starch & sugar?

I finally got up and went downstairs to the bodega and satisfied my cravings by eating a few spoonfuls of butter pecan, and half of the set of fries.

And I have to say I'm proud of myself; I just ate enough to give my body what it wanted without chowing down on the rest just because it was there.

Baby steps!

xJax

A Little Thinspo to Get You Ready for the Weekend

2009-10-15T07:37:00.003-04:00

xJax

Been Around the World and Back Again

2009-10-12T08:34:00.004-04:00

Hey ladies,

So sorry for the absence; I've literally been living out of a suitcase for the past 2 weeks. I've been traveling to Vegas to Paris to Amsterdam to London, and I'm headed back home to NYC now. I actually wanted to squeeze in a couple of days in Copenhagen, but I'm beat. I'll get there later this year.

ICYDK, the problem with being in Vegas, then Western Europe, is that all you'll eat is RUBBISH. In Vegas, I drank like a fish and ate as much fast food as the law allows. In Paris/Amsterdam/London, I ate more french fries and falafel, and drank more orange Fanta then humanly possible.

Traveling for me = fat, fat, fat, calories, calories, calories, which is so dreadful since I have to travel constantly for my job. I'm guessing I've gained back about 10 pounds. Even my bras are a bit tighter then they were before I left. I can't wait to punish myself in the park tomorrow morning!

Do any of you have this problem? When you travel, does your strict eating regimen fall by the wayside?

(Please don't tell me it's just me!)

xJax

Being Too Happy Stops You From Losing Weight?

2009-09-27T11:41:00.004-04:00

That's what the Daily Mail says.

"People who are 'happy and fat' tend to respond less well to slimming programmes, said psychologists. The findings indicate that a little negativity might benefit slimmers by leading them to worry more about their health and appearance."

Ah, duh.

The more aware you are about your dire, unhealthy situation, the more you'll want to change it. Why else would we be obsessed about our weight?

Because clearly obsession equals results.

That's all.

xJax

P.S. - Do read the article should you feel so inclined. It may offer a bit of inspiration that you may need for the upcoming week.

Rant

2009-09-26T09:02:00.003-04:00

My neighbors fry bacon every weekend, and it smells SO gross. Not only because I'm a vegetarian, but because it just smells like FAT.

That's all. Going for a run through Central Park. Hopefully the stench of clogged arteries will be gone by the time I return.

xJax

Thinsporation: Nicole Richie

2009-09-26T08:57:00.004-04:00

She definitely looks better in 2005. I'm just confused as to why it took her so long. I want to reach her 'after' size by next August. Fingers crossed I can do it!

xJax

Everyone Keeps Saying...

2009-09-23T21:29:00.003-04:00

"Jax, have you lost weight?"

"Are you losing weight?"

"You look amazing!"

"You look gorgeous!"

Translation: I'm doing something right! I'm SO happy right now!

xJax

Finally Down 30 Pounds!

2009-09-21T09:16:00.005-04:00

I've thought long and hard about how to celebrate, and nothing even comes to mind. I wonder if it's even worth it to celebrate - I'm nowhere near my final goal. I can remember hitting a goal before, and going out to have a big buttery seafood dinner, or a devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream, or just generally cutting myself some slack on eating and exercising.

But for what? I now realize that all of those celebrations just sent me back to where I started. Fat and jiggly and bloated. Celebrating a weight loss success is just a slippery slope.

Now I can not WAIT until I get down 50 pounds. That's my next goal. Hopefully I'll be able to shop for new clothes, as losing 30 pounds at my size (which was US 18) just means that now I'm a 14/16, so I still can comfortably fit in the same apparel.

My first milestone will be getting to a US size 8. The style director at the magazine I work at promised to take me on a shopping spree at Prada once I can fit the clothes, even if it is the largest size they carry.

Once I get to a size 8, ya'll can just call me the 'other devil who can finally wear Prada.'

Ha.

xJax

Yummy in my Tummy

2009-09-20T16:03:00.004-04:00

I promise you...

One in the morning, and one in the evening is all you really need.

A large Dunkin Donuts Unsweetened Iced Tea with 4 Splendas is much more satisfying than a fattening meal, at 40 calories total to boot. And cheaper. My new favorite meal costs a total of $5 a day. Pretty cheap by Manhattan standards.

Try it!

xJax

The Body I Want Seems to Be So Far Away Right Now...

2009-09-19T15:48:00.006-04:00

Due to the fact that there's a good chance I might be pregnant, thanks to a minor condom-less mistake I made with The Boy while in London a couple of weeks ago...

Is it still possible to lose weight while pregnant?

After losing 30 pounds, I feel like such a failure. What if I really am knocked up? Does that mean I have to gain it all back? I REFUSE to ever weigh as much as I did earlier this summer again. I've come SO far. I can't go back there.

If I am pregnant, I'm going to try to make it all nine months without gaining more than 15 pounds, and hopefully 8 of that will be the baby's weight. And I'll still workout every single day; yoga, pilates, treadmill, swimming. It's possible to gain muscle while pregnant, right?

On the bright side, if I am pregnant, there's a good chance he'll want to get back together. He never had a father and always speaks of how present he'll be in his children's lives.

I'm guessing he didn't think he'd be a father this soon though.

I'm secretly a little happy at the prospect of having him back, even if it is only because I'm possibly preggers.

Alas, even though I already have several symptoms, I'm going to wait a couple more weeks before I take the test.

Wish me luck. Either way.

xJax

Found it!

2009-09-16T21:55:00.006-04:00

This, my dear friends, is the PERFECT figure.

This time next year, I'll be there.

xJax

Photo Credit: Thin Forever

Everyone Loves Her Because of Her Style Sense...

2009-09-16T21:42:00.003-04:00

But I'm CRAZY about her clavicle.

It's kind of my dream chest.

In other words, I. DIE.

xJax

A Figure Revelation.

2009-09-16T21:25:00.005-04:00

Now that fashion week's almost over, shows are becoming far and few in between, and I have a couple of hours to burn every now and then. So this evening my driver and I took a trip out to Brooklyn to hit up Target to pick up a few pieces from the Anna Sui collection.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a size XXL in Target apparel. And even that has fit a little snug. OK, OK. Uncomfortably snug.

Clearly losing 30 pounds means I'll move down a size class or two, but apparently I hadn't got the memo.

I almost can't believe it, but I'm now a L or XL!

I didn't buy anything from Anna Sui for Target, but I did leave a lot happier.

Baby steps! Im finally starting to see the fruits of my labor!

xJax

My New Diet.

2009-09-16T21:17:00.005-04:00

After a sensible breakfast, taking one of these puppies COMPLETELY kills your appetite for the rest of the day, if you stay hydrated with iced tea and water.

Def score some.

xJax

P.S.: The downside? Insomnia. I'm UP all hours of the night. And the comedown in the AM is a pure unadulterated bitch. I have to run right outside to buy eggs and coffee so I can pop one, and begin the cycle all over again!

So I went to London to see The Boy...

2009-09-09T07:24:00.004-04:00

... and came back with a BROKEN HEART and a pound lighter.

So I guess the trip was a somewhat success, as a broken heart is the gift that keeps on giving. My flight attendant yesterday called it 'the divorce diet.'

I don't even have an appetite today, or for the foreseeable future.

And it's a great thing that fashion week is coming up. Hanging around with models and other scrawny fashion editors really makes me not want to ingest anything other than champagne.

Next fashion week, in February - I'll be close to looking just like them!

That vision is enough to keep me going.

That, and going back to London and "accidentally" running into The Boy, looking AWESOME.

Fucker.

xJax

Thinsporation: Cheryl Cole

2009-08-30T09:00:00.006-04:00

As one-fifth of British group Girls Aloud, Cheryl Cole constantly remains in the spotlight. She's often scrutinized for losing too much weight when she's going through a very public struggle (most recently her husband cheated on her, and proclaimed his hatred for condoms to one of his extramarital conquests). But hey, we think she's the best thinspo around! What's wrong with dropping a few pounds when your life's has gone to shit? Much better then gaining weight by overeating to get through it!

xJax

I Have...

2009-08-30T08:42:00.003-04:00

FOUR days to drop FIVE pounds.

Tips ladies! I need help!!!!

xJax

Lost a Full Pound Yesterday

2009-08-26T09:37:00.003-04:00

I like to think it's due to Japanese clear soup for lunch, and a few bites of hummus for dinner.

Yum, and barely any food at all.

It's so wonderful to trick the body.

6.8 pounds till my goal of 189. And seven days to do it. Guess there's a shit ton of clear soup and hummus in my immediate future.

xJax

Three Things I've Learned About Myself Recently

2009-08-25T09:16:00.003-04:00

1. I'm not usually hungry when I binge eat. I'm bored. Or angry.

2. I can get comfortably full off of one yogurt. I wonder if I can survive on three to four 80 calorie yogurts a day. Wouldn't that be amazing?

3. I am a Celiac, but sometimes I still cheat and eat wheat. (Rhyme totally unintended.) Whenever I do cheat, I gain 2 pounds in a day, and all I want to do is sleep. And lounge. Food literally makes me a lazy couch potato.

That's all.

xJax

A Little Thinspiration, According to Olivia Palermo of 'The City'

2009-08-24T12:09:00.004-04:00

“Growing up, I lived in Paris for a little bit, and I learned to eat like the French women. Food is like a delicacy. They have a little bit. You just eat until you’re full.” Olivia Palermo

Source: iFitandHealthy.com

xJax

Yesterday...

2009-08-24T08:59:00.003-04:00

I spent the day at a Russian Jewish wedding.

That means I ate from 5pm to midnight.

Sushi, risotto, caviar & crackers (covered in melted butter, egg yolks, egg whites, and sour cream), wedding cake, challah bread dipped in honey, ginger ale, champagne, wine, etc...

All in all, it was an epic FAIL., as I'm back up to where I'd say I'd never be. 197.6.

Going to try and restrict today on iced green tea and miso soup only. (I can't do water alone, I got SO sick last week.)

Hope you're all doing well in your journeys!

xJax

In Case You Needed a Little Encouragement...

2009-08-22T19:15:00.003-04:00

Just a little reminder...

xJax

She Has the Perfect Everything

2009-08-21T21:36:00.007-04:00

Hair, boobs, body, attitude; Miss Kate Moss has the makings of the perfect woman.

If I were a man (or a lesbian) I'd ask her to marry me in a heartbeat.

xJax

Instead of Commenting...

2009-08-21T21:22:00.003-04:00

I decided to turn it into a post! =]

Fellow blogger Thin Forever commented on my previous post, "Why I Wanna Be Thin Again," and the convo went a little something like this:

xthinforever said...

Those are a lot of reasons, girl.
Time to devise a plan and execute it. =) Do what you need to make you happy. And if this is what you want.. then go get it. <3
August 21, 2009 8:53 PM

My response:

Those aren't even the half. I just got tired of typing. :]

I devise a new plan everyday, and I just can't seem to stick to any of them. It's like the angel sitting on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. The fat ass devil always wins!

I'm doing MUCH better than I have in a while. People are starting to comment on my weight loss, so that is MAJOR motivation.

I've never successfully fasted for longer than 4 hours, and today I made it 17.5 hours.

Baby steps!!!

xJax

Why I Wanna Be Thin Again

2009-08-21T18:40:00.010-04:00

-Because I look in the mirror most days, and I don't know who I am.

-Because top designers send me free clothes all the time (even though they know me and my size very well), but I can't fit them and end up giving thousands of dollars of threads to interns or assistants.

-Because I want to walk into a yoga or ballet class without the instructor automatically telling me how I can amend each position to be comfortable for someone my size.

-Because I want a boyfriend who is proud to show me off to the world.

-Because I want to be irresistibly, unequivocally sexy.

-Because I want to be the whole package.

-Because I want to wear the clothes I have been saving for "when I can finally fit into them."

-Because life is way too short to be unhappy about the way you look, especially when it takes under a year to get the body you want.

-Because I want to wear high heels for longer than an hour without wanting to cry because my feet hurt so bad.

-Because I want to be proud of myself for finally accomplishing something in my personal life. It seems as if my professional life always takes precedence.

-Because I don't want to be referred to as the fat one anymore by rude, insensitive guys at bars.

-Because I don't want to feel like I don't belong in the superficial fashion industry.

-Because I'm tired of feeling defeated every single day.

-Because I want to prove to everyone I can overcome my addiction to food and binge eating.

-Because I want to wear sexy lacy undergarments instead of nylon DDD bras and Spanx.

-Because I never want to have to worry if my fat rolls are on display, or if my boob is popping out of my bra, or if I have a muffin top in my jeans.

-Because I'm tired of people calling me fat when they get pissy with me. I'd love for everyone to use another derogatory term to describe me.

-Because I want to be able to buy off the rack at Saks and Bergdorfs, instead of special ordering.

-Because I want to look absolutely stunning in a simple white tee and skinny jeans.

-Because I want to be an A-cup. I think breast bone is the sexiest part of a woman's body.

-Because I want to be able to wear my thigh-high boots over my thighs, and not up to my knees.

-Because I want to feel healthier.

-Because I want to feel good about what I see in the mirror.

-Because I want to see my ribs. And clavicle.

-Because I want to graduate to a new obsession. I'm tired of being tired of my weight.

-Because why be thick, when I can be thin?

xJax

A Little Thinspo to Help You Make it Through...

2009-08-21T09:42:00.009-04:00

Ana's Imperfect Angel - Thinspo...

Shared via AddThis

Oh, and here's a little something I found on FASTING - I think I might try this today!

FASTING UPDATE:

I made it until 3:30 this afternoon before I caved.

And now I feel so sick. Like, for real. Too sick to even go to yoga tonight! (Is it possible to get nausea from drinking too much water?)

xJax

194-195-196-197 - HELP!?!?!?!??!?

2009-08-21T09:08:00.004-04:00

For the past 2 weeks, I've been shuffling between that weight range.

What can I do to get me off of this plateau?

I'm going to London in 2 weeks, and I'd really like to be 189 by the time I get on the plane.

Any suggestions?

xJax

For Breakfast

2009-08-20T09:12:00.001-04:00

I've had one glass of almond milk, 90 calories.

I hope I can stay strong and eat nothing else for the rest of the day!

Thought for the Day

2009-08-20T08:55:00.004-04:00

I was drowning in my size and sadness. - Frank Bruni, author of Born Round.

(Ummmmm, that's how I feel everyday!)

xJax

True Story

2009-08-18T01:09:00.006-04:00

Last weekend, a co-worker and I went to Pole Dancing class looking for a fun way to workout, as well as learn a few naughty tricks at the same time.

There were two fatties in the class, myself and another. Of course she'd been taking the class for over 2 years, so she knows her way around the pole (and was quite keen to show it off), but I knew better, so I just played my position in the background.

Said fattie was wearing a tank top 10 sizes too small, and a pair of leopard panties. Try to imagine it if you can. Without barfing, that is.

Anyway, fast forward to today, when I was at my desk talking to the fashion director, laughing about the fattie's outfit and her obliviousness to its absurdity, when my other co-worker came over and joined in the conversation. The subject of the fattie's size came up, when my co-worker said, and I quote:

"Jax, you're a little bit bigger than her."

I gagged.

Holy fucking shitballs. It's the first time that I was able to look outside myself, and actually see what my body looks like. And just how huge it actually is. Clearly I have selective vision, as I never in a million years thought I was that fucking wide.

I've been disgusted all evening.

At myself of course, for allowing my weight to spiral this far.

That's all.

xJax

Today I Feel Like a Failure

2009-08-18T00:37:00.007-04:00

It's not a good day. Have you ever just felt like, no matter how hard you try, it just isn't good enough? Don't get me wrong, I am blessed, and I realize that these blessings can disappear tomorrow, but I can't help but wonder why things always seem SO MUCH harder for me.

I can't (for the life of me) stick to anything for longer than a week.
I can't successfully paint all 10 of my nails without one smudging. I always have to get a pricey professional manicure (twice a week), if I want them to look perfect.
I can't successfully build a piece of furniture, even if the instructions are laid out for me, plain and simple.
I can't finish one hour of yoga without getting tired. And dropping pose until the instructor calls for a new one. And I quit that one too, unless it's child's pose, which I'm too chubby to get into completely.
I can't meditate without my mind migrating to food.
I can't enter my apartment without munching on something, no matter how hard I try to fight it.

All in all, I feel like I have NO control.

None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Why?

xJax

I...

2009-08-17T12:34:00.004-04:00

...Fell off the wagon. Up .8 pounds. Will punish myself in the gym tonight.

(Though I must say, three days of eating fuckery, and I only gain .8 lbs.? Not bad!)

xJax

Anger Trumps Hunger

2009-08-14T09:27:00.004-04:00

Dealing with the cuntflaps at Wachovia and Verizon have me in the shittiest mood ever.

Fuckers.

At least I'm not hungry.

xJax

Eat & Exercise: Day 5

2009-08-13T10:44:00.004-04:00

10 AM: Breakfast

2 Fried Eggs - 180 Calories
----------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 180

I'm keeping busy!

1:30 PM: Lunch

1 Japanese Clear Soup - 36 Calories
1 oz of Raw Salmon Sashimi - 52 Calories
1/2 Cup of Brown Rice - 110 Calories
1 Diet Coke - ZERO Calories
-------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 198

Starting to feel hungry, but may munch a bit before I go to the gym and work it out!

7:15 PM: Dinner

1/2 Cup of Mustard Greens - 12 Calories
4 Medium Broiled Shrimp - 28 Calories
30 Tortilla Chips - 260 Calories
----------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 300

I can't lay off tortilla chips for shit.

Total Calories Consumed for the Day: 678

Yay! I stayed under my 700 goal!

xJax

Eat & Exercise: Day 4

2009-08-12T10:29:00.006-04:00

9 AM: Breakfast

1 Light Peach Yogurt - 80 Calories
------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 80

I want to go super low-cal today to make up for my massive fuck up yesterday. I'm clutching a big bottle of water throughout the day, so as soon as I feel that first pang, it's time to chug and troll the net for a little thinspo.

12:30 PM: Lunch

1 Side Salad with Lemon Vinagerette Dressing - 200 Calories (approx)
1 Bag of Pop Chips - 100 Calories
1 Diet Coke - ZERO Calories
4 Mini Cupcakes - 200 Calories (approx)
---------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 500

I guess I'm done for the day.

4 PM - 9 PM: Dinner

1 Flute of Moet - 89 Calories
Infinite Hors d'Oeuvres (3 Mini cupcakes, Mac-n-Cheese on a stick, butter popcorn, veggie dumplings) - 700 Calories (approx)
---------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 789

I'M SO ASHAMED. As busy as I was, I still found time to eat whilst hopping between three events. Truth be told, I wasn't really even hungry when I was eating snacks for dinner all over Manhattan. The confusing thing is, when publicists throw evening events for editors, they lay out the red carpet; the finest wine, cheese, and champagne, the very best caterer, top notch desserts, and NO ONE ever really eats.

Except me.

I can't turn down shit if it's served on a silver platter.

Total Calories Consumed for the Day: 1369

xJax

My Weakness Leads to Weight Gain

2009-08-12T09:34:00.003-04:00

Sushi. I CAN NOT lay off of it. Last night, I ate an unbelievable amount + I didn't have time to exercise, so I gained weight again.

2 whole pounds.

Fuck me in the beard. I never want to eat again!

I need to be under 189 by the 1st of September, which I when I leave to go back to London for a bit. I have a few dresses I want to take with, but they all fit a bit snuggly, though if I drop 5 or 6 pounds, they'd hang off the body perfectly.

I can't have anymore slip-ups. In order to reach my first goal, I HAVE to stay far, far away from Japanese food, which is hella hard living in Manhattan.

But I can do it.

xJax

Thin has a taste all its own.

2009-08-11T09:05:00.001-04:00

xJax

Eat & Exercise: Day 3

2009-08-11T08:55:00.006-04:00

9 AM: Breakfast

1 Light Peach Yogurt - 80 Calories
2 Medium Fried Eggs - 140 Calories
------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 220

I'm satisfied!

1 PM: Lunch

1 Bag of Baked Lays - 130 Calories
1 Diet Coke - ZERO Calories
1 Bag of Smartfood Popcorn - 100 Calories
-----------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 230

Let's hope I can make it until dinner! I'd really like to stay under 800 calories today...

2:30 PM: Refreshment

1 Starbucks Tall Iced Coffee w/ 1 Splenda: 120 Calories
-----------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 120

Fuck. A beauty publicist just showed up to the office with Starbuck's as a thank you for a story I wrote. I couldn't turn it down!

3:00 PM: Snack

1 Bag of Baked Lays: 130 Calories
1 Bag of Baked Ruffles: 140 Calories
-----------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 270

I have NO excuses.

8:00 PM: Dinner

1 Jumbo Spider Roll: 400 Calories
1 Spicy Crunchy Tuna Roll: 360 Calories
1 Cup of Green Tea: 2 Calories
-----------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 762

I am the worst. The absolute WORST. I'm so ashamed. I ate so much today. I feel so vile and vulgar. I need to make myself do better.

Total Calories Consumed for the Day: 1602

xJax

Quick Tip: Stop Munching...

2009-08-11T08:51:00.004-04:00

... by polishing your fingernails! Whenever I want to eat a little something extra, I give myself another topcoat keep my fingers busy for at least 30 minutes. Once they're dry, my hunger pangs have waned...

My body and my nail color have never looked better!

xJax

Eat & Exercise: Day 2

2009-08-10T13:33:00.008-04:00

12 PM: Brunch

1 Large Apple - 100 Calories
2 Fried Eggs - 180 Calories
------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 280

Still a little hungry, but I'm chugging water to help ease the pain. Though, the saying is, "Hunger hurts, but starving works."

Must repeat that. Must repeat that.

3 PM: Snack

2 Scrambled Eggs - 199 Calories
1 Bag of Smart Popcorn - 100 Calories
--------------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 299

I almost (repeat, almost) ate another bag of chips, until I decided it wasn't worth the extra 130 calories. I feel like I'm winning already! Can not wait to hop on the scale tomorrow morning!

7:15 PM: Dinner

4 ozs of Crystal Light - 2.5 Calories
1/4 Cup of Organic Spinach - 4 Calories
30 Tortilla Chips - 260 Calories
12 Broiled Shrimp - 96 Calories
---------------------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 362.5

I did too much here. I literally couldn't keep my hands out of the chip jar, or off of the extra shrimp! I really wanted to make 4 meals out of this batch of 20 shrimp; 5 shrimp per sitting. So much for that theory.

Total Calories Consumed for the Day: 941.5

Fuck me.

Exercise Completed: 200 crunches, 32 minutes walking on treadmill, 10 minutes weight-lifting.

xJax

Size 0 Stats

2009-08-10T09:48:00.003-04:00

In order to reach my goal body, I have to have the following:

A 32-inch bust, a 23-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. I'll need to weigh in at 99 pounds.

Lord help me. Only 96.6 pounds to go. Think I can get there by December?

xJax

Down a Total Of....

2009-08-10T09:09:00.003-04:00

... 1.4 pounds! In just one day, after consuming 759 calories and working out for 2 hours.

Here's hoping that today will be a better day!

xJax

I Really Want...

2009-08-09T23:40:00.004-04:00

... to see my bones.

Maybe then I'll get a boyfriend?

xJax

Eat & Exercise: Day 1

2009-08-09T13:09:00.015-04:00

1 PM: Breakfast

Diet Swiss Miss - 25 Calories
Glass of Water - 0 Calories
2 Scrambled Eggs w/ a Pinch of Garlic & Herbs and Powdered Parmesan Cheese - 160 Calories
15 Tortilla Chips - 130 Calories
-----------------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 315

Not too bad for my first time. I admit, could probably have done without the tortilla chips.
(Update: I really could have done without the chips. I am UNCOMFORTABLY full.)

7 PM: Lunch

Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte - 90 Calories
Banana - 100 Calories
---------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 190

Fuck. I always thought eating a banana was healthy. And apparently they're chock full of carbs and sugar. Dude—why didn't anyone tell me? No more bananas for me!

10 PM: Dinner

2 Pieces of Broiled Rainbow Trout w/ a Pinch of Garlic & Herbs - 240 Calories
1/4 Cup of Organic Spinach - 4 Calories
16 ozs of Crystal Light Lemonade - 10
--------------------------
Total Calories Consumed: 254

Total Calories Consumed for the Day: 759

I'm quite proud of that actually; there are plenty of days that I can consume that in one meal.

Exercise Completed: 75 minutes of Restorative Yoga, 20 minutes of walking on a treadmill, 30 minutes of weight lifting, 15 Crunches.

I can do better!

xJax

Thinsporation: Ashley Olsen

2009-08-09T11:32:00.009-04:00

I may be the minority here, but I like Ashley's body a bit better than Mary-Kate's. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that Ashley looks much cleaner than MK... At any rate, these are the images that inspire me.

Which Olsen body do you thinspire to? (If any at all.)

xJax

A Little Reminder...

2009-08-09T10:53:00.001-04:00

Found HERE.

(Wish I'd seen this AGES ago.)

xJax

And Here We Start

2009-08-09T10:36:00.004-04:00

Allow me to introduce myself. They call me Jax; and I'm a NYC-dweller-slash-fashion-magazine editor. Sounds perfect right? No! In actuality, I'm living the fashionista dream looking from the outside in.

I'm pretty fat. And that does not a chic fashionista make.

Truth is, I went from a size 4 to a 14 during my freshman year of college; and as I rose through the ranks on the mastheads of some of the top fashion magazines in the country, so did my weight. Last December, I topped off at 218 lbs. A fucking size 18.

Disgusting. I know it.

To that end, I got off my tubby ass and decided to start dropping the pounds. Eight months, later, I'm down 21 pounds.

Big whoop.

I'm down ONE size, which fucking blows. Difference now is, my clothes actually fit, much better than they did before.

But enough of my whining. I'm finally going to do something to complement the working out in the gym. I'm going to allow myself to be thinspired. I will NOT allow myself to succumb to the ill will of food anymore.

(Can you believe I spent $20,000 on food in 2008? My accountant nearly fell out in the floor.)

You with me?

xJax