Updates, Updates, Updates—Some Good, Some Sad

Hi all:

It's been a while since my last (ana) confession, so I thought I'd check in, say hi, and update you on all that's happened in my world over the past several months.

Good—I've still been circling the globe like crazy. It's exciting, it's tiring. It is what it is. I'm thankful.
Sad—I've lost two boyfriends in 2011. I'm starting to think it's me. What/who else could it be?
Good—I've developed an unhealthy obsession with vintage-inspired lingerie and Dita Von Teese. She's so perfect—the way she carries herself, even though she's into burlesque and bondage, she's such a fucking lady. She's my newest role model.
Sad—I'm still struggling with my weight; teetering between the 140s and 150s over the past 3 months. I haven't crept up past that, so that's a plus in my book, especially since I came from a whopping 218 pounds. Still just a small plus, I know.
Good—I've finally given dairy the boot; I'm off it full-stop now.
Good and Sad—I have so much more to share, but I can't get my thoughts together, so I'll leave it here for now. Check back in soon—I definitely want to update more often. I do so much better when you all hold me accountable for my eating/actions!

And are you following me on Twitter? Please send me a request ASAP at @GirlGoingAna.

Tell me—what have you been up to? Fill me in on your progress!

xJax

A Beautiful Mess...

...that's exactly what I am.

I'm astonished at how much weight I've lost, and while I'm very proud of my success, I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my life. I thought losing the weight would FINALLY help me live a life of eternal bliss, without a care in the world. Sadly, the exact opposite has happened. And I don't know how to fix it.

I walk around my home and my office like a complete zombie. FUCK food—even if I wanted to eat, I can't. Tears fall all the time—for absolutely no real reason at all. My apartment is always dark—I can't stand the light. The only sound that radiates through my living space is the ongoing drone of my air conditioners. I hate the sight of couples that are happy and in love and holding hands—I'm well on my way to my ultimate goal weight, and I still haven't found anyone to love me.

I should be happy, right? I should be bouncing off of the walls that my clothes are literally hanging off of me, and people repeatedly tell me how great I look... but since he doesn't care enough to say anything at all—nothing else seems to matter.

My astrologist told me that he is involved with another woman. A few of them in fact. And even though he thought I was marriage material, he's too immature and selfish to ever be able to be with only me. And that he doesn't want to speak to me, because he knows he'll have to answer to me, and he doesn't want to have to do that.

I hate myself for falling so deep in love with someone who would hurt me—someone that I KNEW would hurt me.

I knew it the night we met... I resisted speaking to him for an entire hour. I knew he'd be trouble, but I gave in anyway, because he's so gorgeous, and athletic, and funny, and I couldn't believe he'd seriously be interested in a fat fuck like me. And now he's not—anymore.

And that's why I'm depressed. Why am I not enough? Why can't I let this go? Why'd he have to lie to me, and hurt me? I can't believe I fell this hard for such a punk bitch. I can't believe how much I miss him. I'm shocked at how lonely I am. And I hate myself for what I'm about to say—if he came back tomorrow, I'd go right back for more. Because if he doesn't love me, I'm not sure I even want else anyone to.

A beautiful mess... that's exactly what I am.

xJax

This is My 100th Post

Let me first say, I thought I would have reached my goal of 98 pounds by now, but alas, c'est la vie. I'm well on my way, and that's all that really matters at this very moment. I'm down 65 pounds and I'm incredibly proud of that.

But I don't know if it's enough.

Everyone keeps telling me 'how thin I look'... 'how svelte I look'... 'how much weight I've lost... 'how I'm disappearing'... 'how gorgeous I look'... and I don't see it. At all.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the same fat, blubbery girl I've always seen. I can't see what they see. And I can't help but wonder, does that ever change? When will I see it?

I guess it's true—when you have an EDNOS—you absolutely, 100,000% have it for life. No question about it—it's ingrained in every fiber of you. You NEVER get over it. You never see what everyone else sees.

Good thing I can see the number on the scale. I can promise you this—when I get to 98 pounds, I'm stopping. I'll never (EVER!) drop below that. (Can you imagine—that would be like losing 60% of my original weight. Crazy!)

Oh well, as long as everyone else can see it, that's all that matters, right? (Bonus points if he notices it too.)

xJax

Affirmations.

Lately I've been listening to as many audiobooks as my ears can handle, all of which are related to The Secret and The Law of Attraction.

The common denominator amongst them all? Whatever it is that you want, believe that you can and will have it. Say it out loud. Write it down. Repeat it often. Silently to yourself and aloud to the universe. It is said that the mind will only believe what you tell it to, so be very careful about what you say and think. Erase the negative, embrace the positive. Below, everything I'm learning to believe, and everything I want to bring into my life.

—In everything that I do I am preparing myself for love—romantic, platonic, and self.
—In everything that I do I am preparing myself for my future husband, because I am ready to get married.
—In all of my actions, I am consciously working toward all of my goals; weight loss, physical health, mental health, emotional health, career, and nurturing stronger friendships.
—I am always conscious of everything I do, I always think things through, and I make sound decisions that help move my life forward.
—I am a nice, likable, lovable person, and I deserve to be treated with the upmost love and respect by everyone I encounter.
—I will have everything I have ever wanted, as long as I am steadfast, patient, and allow things to evolve naturally and in its own time. I know that I can not rush anything.
—I understand that everything is not for me, and if he doesn't choose me, it's OK. My life will still be full and fabulous, and I wish the same for his.
—I always give everything freely and wholly, and I will attract friends and a man with the very same qualities.
—I believe in the good in people, and I trust that the universe will bless me with everything that is meant for me.
—I am enough. For the right person, and for me. I will always be enough.

With all of that said, I am currently turning my home into an affirmation-rich zone. Post-it notes will litter my walls and mirrors, and everywhere I turn I will be reminded that everything is up for the taking, if I just believe.


What about you—what are your affirmations?

xJax

I Feel So Empty Inside...

1) Because I haven't eaten. I haven't eaten...

2) Because my head hurts from crying too much. I've been crying...

3) Because I can't seem to get either of the boys I'm in love with to fall in love with me. They won't love me...

4) Because I'm fat. I'm fat...

5) Because I'm depressed. I'm depressed...

6) Because... See number 3. Vicious circle.

xJax

My "Hit" List

Silence is a double-edged sword for me. I like to think that enjoy silence, but I recently realized that I actually do not. There are times when I turn off my iPhone, Blackberry, TV, iPod, MacBook Air, Kindle and all of my other gadgets that only distract me, and I find that I am at peace for a few moments, having my own thoughts entertain me. Until my mind starts to wander. I always end up thinking about myself. I hate thinking about myself, because I’m only thinking about how much I hate myself and the way I look, and how much I hate food for helping me get to where I am. It’s quite painful, so it’s easier for me to turn to a gadget for more mindless entertainment.

In search of said entertainment, I found myself scrolling through my Twitter feed the other day, and my friend in my head (@TheBodyScience) posed a rather interesting challenge to all of his followers: Make a list of all your body parts that need improving, prioritize them, and start training them specifically.

I thought about writing my HIT LIST in my personal journal, but I’ve decided to share it with you all. Here goes, in no particular order. I hate them all the same; they are all a priority.

My Arms
They jiggle from shoulder to elbow, and when I raise them, my flappy, fatty batwings are front and center. Gross.

My Back
There used to be six fat rolls back there, now there are four, and it looks like there will be two pretty soon. That’s good, but I won’t be happy until I have ZERO. (The last guy I had sex with grabbed onto them and seemed to enjoy it. I was BEYOND mortified.)

My Breasts
When I was in the 190s, I went to see a plastic surgeon about getting a reduction and a lift. He told me to lose a lot more weight, and come back. The more weight I lose, the longer and flatter my breasts get. So NOT sexy, and not what I signed up for when I decided to lose weight. I ultimately want to lose 120 pounds (only 70 more to go!); imagine what my boobs will look like when I finally get to 98? Dust flaps with nipples, I’m guessing.

My Jowls + Chin
I had breakfast with Tyra Banks last year, and she taught me how to pose for photographs so I’ll always be snapped looking my best. As of now I have chubby cheeks and a slight double chin, so getting even one photo that I like requires extreme savvy and a plethora of free time. I think I have my pose down pat, but I’d rather just have gaunt cheeks and one chin so I look stellar in any photo taken from any angle.

My Tummy
I have a mommy pooch and stretch marks, and I’ve never given birth to anything other than a food baby. Depressing, right?

My Bum
I wish it were bigger. MUCH bigger. I’m stacked up top, but lacking in the back. Again, not sexy. At all.

My Thighs
They touch. They’re dimply on the sides. Enough said.

My Calves
They’re a bit chunky (from fat, not muscle obviously). I struggle slightly zipping up my knee-high boots. And I have three pairs of thigh-high boots that are still new and in the box, as I can’t even think about wearing them.

That’s my HIT LIST. I call it a HIT LIST because everything that I have listed is my prime target; I’ll get them whittled down by the end of this year, without a doubt. In the illustrious words of Jay-Z, “I’m focused man”.

xJax

Reasons, Not Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions lists never really work for me. I write them, mainly because I feel as if I’m supposed to, but then I start to feel super shitty when I abandon my promises, and that’s such an awful feeling. I get up on my high horse, prance around for a few days (at best) following my newly-instituted makeover mantras on how I’ll exercise 5 hours a day every day—no questions asked, and how I’ll eat twice a week (three times if I absolutely must).

With lofty, ludicrous goals like those, I’m setting myself up to fail from the start. Or at least I was—I’m trying something new this time around. Below, my 2011 REASONS LIST. Here’s hoping that these will motivate me much more than any ridiculous resolution ever could.

Because my weight is not healthy. Especially for my height.

Because I’m never really hungry. Mindless munching is the devil, and ANA is much better to me (and for me) than food ever was.

Because I want to turn heads in a plain white tank and skinny jeans. Apparently men think women look sexiest wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans.

Because I want to feel like I belong. And not feel inferior to other women because I’m fat; it’s exhausting.

Because I want to believe that “he” (insert any name here) can actually like EVERYTHING about me. I’m tired of mentally insisting that “he” is thinking about thinner women when “he” is with me.

Because I’m tired of being envious of everything and everyone. I have a very lovely life; nothing else is wrong with me other than my weight, and with hard work and extreme dedication, I can fix that.

Because I want to wear my wardrobe. My closet is bursting at the seams with amazing pieces that I can’t wear just yet, and I’m so ready to toss my fat girl clothes.

Because being fat is mentally draining. I’m tired of thinking that everything is because of my weight, or because I’m fat, or because I’m a big girl.

Because I want to finally get my breasts done. I’ve always hated the way they looked, and they look even worse now that they’re rapidly deflating and are all stretched out.

Because I want to become impossibly limber, like a ballerina. Fat girls aren’t incredibly flexible, are they?

Because I want to start living my life. I’m over making plans for far in the future when I’m thinner; I just want to get there much sooner, so than I can be comfortable living in the now.

Because I’ve wanted to be fit for so long. It took a while to get here (YEARS!), but I’m finally ready to sacrifice absolutely any and everything to get the beautiful body I want.

Because I want to be done with all of this. I started at 218, and now that I’m in the 160s, I’m pleased, but not at all content, as I’ve still got roughly 70 pounds to drop.

What are your reasons? Please share a few with me!

xJax

A Week of Firsts

I've been neglecting the blog again, and for that, I offer an apology. Here's a quick update on the last 7 days:

--I successfully completed my first fast. 48 hours!!!! Not one morsel of food crossed my lips; only tea, coffee, and water. Not bad at all, especially since I lost 5 pounds! (I assume because I'm much heavier, that's why I was able to lose so much weight in such a short amount of time.)

--I successfully purged yesterday. I'm currently in Miami, and for some AWFUL reason I decided to binge on tuna salad, pina coladas, and french fries. I felt horrific, and really stuffed, and incredibly gross, and I really just needed to get it out of my system.

Purging wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I stood up instead of kneeling, which made it much easier for me. I don't think I got everything back up, but it was enough for me to feel emptier, which is quickly becoming my favorite feeling.

I still believe that eating less is a much easier way for me to obtain my goals, but it is comforting to know that if I do slip up and overeat, I have the power to rid myself of my meal mistake in mere minutes.

xJax

An In-Depth Response

Usually I respond to every single comment in the comment section of that respective post, but I felt compelled to respond in a post of its own to the text below (in red):

what if you let go of the idea that youre not good enough?

you've already tried months of your life thinking negatively about who you appear to be on the outside--but who are you on the inside?

do you believe that you should be measured by what you look like or how much you weigh, or is there more to you than that?

if you are unhappy with the way you look, its ok. thats normal. i dont know anybody who doesnt feel that way (if not all the time, most of the time, or very often) ...but realize that this is NOT a permanent, un-changeable state of mind.

you can change the way you feel and think. only you are in control of how you think. you clearly have a strong mind and strong willpower, maybe try a day where instead of trying so hard to focus on calories and slimming down you simply focus on thinking positively about yourself. give yourself compliments, tell yourself you're the shit. even if you feel like youre lying, or like it's not going to work, just try it and maybe you'll see that you're capable of believing in who you are. you're already beautiful, you just need to feel it!

i believe in you

-Anonmyous

Dear Anonmyous,

While I am thankful to you for sharing your thoughts and believing in me, I must respectfully disagree with your mindset. Thinking positive about myself is a slippery slope that I'm fighting very hard to get off of. After years and years of ignoring the harsh truth about myself (and thinking positively about my "curvy" figure), I must admit, I am fat. Fat, fat, fat. It's a fact of my life; my scale tells me every single morning that I have 41% body fat and that at 185 pounds, I am obese. A "normal" healthy woman of my height has between 18% and 24% body fat, FYI.

Some of my posts on this blog may come off as vain, as I do work in a very vain industry, but the driving force behind my want for extreme weight loss is indeed health reasons. I very badly want to be at my optimal physical health; to not have my doctors scream at me, and ask me why I haven't lost much weight in the last 5 years and to not remind me of the negative repercussions of being so fat. To not walk into a yoga class and have the instructor single me out and show me how to modify the pose for someone of my size. To not walk into a bar and leave without having met anyone, because even though I have a pretty face and an awesome personality, I have a horrific body shape. To not be the only girl on my team that isn't engaged or married with a MASSIVE diamond ring on her finger. (OK, maybe that last one was a tad bit vain.)

But it's the truth. And if you are going to read my blog and bother getting involved, then you should know the truth about me.

Yes, the brain is the most powerful tool ever, which is why I'm using it to change my MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. My MIND controls what I put into my BODY, and I fight urges everyday to fill it with utter crap just to make me "feel" better. My BODY controls my SPIRIT; if I don't look good, then I don't feel good, thus vastly diluting my SPIRIT. No matter how many times I look into the mirror and chant positive affirmations, I feel as if I will end up right back where I started if I continue on this way: 218 pounds. MIND > BODY > SPIRIT; all directly connected, and it's not a mistake that the word MIND comes first.

I've always admired truly ANA-girls for having the willpower to diligently deny food and focus intently on their goals, and actually achieve them. These girls are in full control of their minds, and I want to enjoy the same greatness. I understand that I can not "catch" anorexia, nor do I want to. I fully believe that the way these girls live their lives is something that we should all look into and derive inspiration from. I've learned some of my best diet and fitness tips from the ANA-community, not Jillian Michaels, the Tae-bo guy, or the legions of diet books on shelves today.

I invite you to check in with me from time to time. Read my blog and my twitter feed if you'd like; perhaps that way you can begin to try to understand why some girls feel as if an ANA-lifestyle is the best-slash-only option for them.

I will leave you with this:

My doctor recently told me that no matter how much dieting I do, it will never help someone with my sluggish metabolism and lumpy body-type. I have to diet and exercise vigorously every single day for the rest of my life to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. He pretty much said in so many words, become an exercise bulimic if you want to lose weight.

Even those with fancy degrees believe in the power of going to the extreme.

xJax

HELP!

I really want to get back to NYC and hit the ground running on this phase of my ANA lifestyle. I know I'm not capable of completely starving myself just yet (I'll get there!), but I do want to only consume the smallest amount of low-calorie food possible

As my doctor told me, I just have one of those bodies that has to work extra, extra, extra hard to lose even one pound, so I need all the shortcuts I can find. Food is an obvious one.

So girls... what are your go-to low-calorie foods?

On my grocery list right now are:

-clementines
-walnuts (or are they too fattening?)
-concentrated lemon juice (to mix with warm water)
-carrots (is hummus fattening?)
-plain popcorn

I want to exist on the bare minimum.

Also, what should I toss from my cabinets? I really don't cook, but my cabinets are full of crap that I'd never bother with anyway. (I really just like grocery shopping for some odd reason.) Gluten-free noodles, gluten-free rice cakes, peanut butter, tuna fish, quinoa pasta, agave nectar for tea, honey, ground coffee... what can stay and what should go?

HELP!

P.S. I'll be publishing your tips in another blog post with links back to your blogs/twitter pages, so that other girls who need help with food have a direct line to those who know best.

xJax

Realization

Just a heads up, this post will be all over the place. I'm in Paris, but my internal clock is on NYC time, so bear with me and try to keep up.

I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

Whenever someone shoots me a dirty 'why-is-she-here' look, I automatically understand it is because of my weight. When a guy bypasses me for a thinner girl, I know it's because of my weight. When people don't want to get to know me (until they learn who I am and who I work for), I know 100% it is because of my weight.

Looking at thinspo blogs is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, it inspires me to do better, especially the before/after photos. Those really help me see an end point, which I respond well to.

 
Then I see the photos of the 17-year-old girls who are so super thin and fashionable and sexy and they know it. Those really get under my skin.

When I was 17 and just entering undergrad, I didn't know what I had as far as my figure was concerned. I was a curvy/petite size 3/4 with a fantastic figure. I just didn't realize it. I ate, and ate, and ate until I emerged a sophomore 9 months later with 70 more pounds packed onto my frame.

I still haven't lost it.

I'm still not that size 3/4 girl I should be, and I've lost so much time. Time is a tricky fucker. It is beyond precious; you can never get it back and it slips away so quickly. Please, please BE CONSCIOUS of time. Look at where you're at, where you need to go, and calculate how much time it will take to get there and stick to your game plan like super glue. Stare at your nude body in the mirror and learn to hate it. I've just started doing that every morning, and I think it helps. It's etched in my brain all day long, especially when I go to consume a little chow. It's all part of the plan.

And I've got a new game plan, and it includes sex. Lots of sex.

I haven't been having much sex in the last several years, because I am very uncomfortable in my body. I have backfat, my boobs roll down to the mattress when I lay down, I'm convinced guys are thinking about hotter, thinner girls when they're in bed with me... I just give up completely to the point that I push men away with my negative self-image and subsequent frigidity. I try to pass it off as being above it all and elitist, but really, I'm just fat and insecure.

There's a super sexy tomcat inside of me that's just waiting to get out and play the field. I'm hoping that if I repeat that to myself every three minutes, it'll keep me on top of my goals and food out of my hands.

The sad thing is, I don't even eat all that much, and I'm still fat and plateaued at 185 pounds. I recently visited a doctor to test my blood for virtually everything, and he says I'm perfectly healthy. I'm just LAZY.

Well, damn.

Perhaps he's right. Until recently, I wasn't drenched in sweat when leaving the gym. I wasn't drinking my weight in water day in, day out, I wasn't exercising while watching TV and reading. I could have been using those times to work on my body.

Every single waking moment, I should be working on my body in some way: Kegel exercises, sitting crunches, thigh and calf squeezes, bicep presses, etc. Even sitting at my desk is secret gym time.

I am truly EDNOS. I have an eating disorder like no one else I've encountered, which I think makes it harder to get down to my goal weight. Though, I REFUSE to let that cripple me. Lots of people are the only person they know dealing with a certain affliction. I've got support from my twitter pals (namely @fatgirlonadiet1), and I will get there.

How are you girls doing on your goals? LMK if there's any way I can help. You girls can help me by checking in from time to time and keeping me on my toes. I've always been an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of girl. And that has to change.

xJax

I've Been Bad. Three Reasons Why.

-I haven't been blogging. In my defense, I LOVE Twitter SO much!

-I haven't been working out as much as I should. In my defense, I've been traveling like a maniac, so that helps keep my weight down!

-I had sex. In my defense, I really like him and he doesn't mind that I'm fat, even if I do.

That's all for now. Just wanted to let you girls know that I'm still alive and kicking, and unfortunately, fat.

I'm Britney on the right. Imagine how hot I'll look when I become Britney on the left.

I've got to do better.

xJax

Down 10 Pounds, Never Coming Back!

If you've been following me on Twitter, then you know it's been an exceptional week for me weight-wise. (If not, shame on you! Tweet with me at  @GirlGoingAna).

This time last year, I weighed 218 pounds. I began the week at 196.6. Today I weighed in at 186.6. I actually lost 10 pounds in one week. That's remarkable for me, and I'm going to do everything I can to ensure my weight keeps dropping at this rate.

As for what I've been doing, of course I've been exercising and keeping up with my modified vegan diet, but mostly I've been obsessed with LoserTown.org, a website that tells you exactly how many calories to consume daily to reach your goal weight by a certain day.

So, because of my age and current weight, I will have to workout 3 to 5 times a week, and consume less than 750 calories a day to make it to my goal weight of 99 pounds by mid-March. And I can totally handle with that. This is the first time that I've actually seen a charted plan to follow for successful weight loss. I'm very analytical in that regard; I need to see everything on paper first. And to see that it actually works? Loving that.

Figure out your daily calorie intake HERE.

And... you're welcome.

xJax

My New Diet

I wanted to wait at least a week until I was absolutely sure to share, so now is as good of time as any to tell you that I've become a modified vegan!

I gave up land meat in 6th grade after we dissected a pig (SO GROSS!); I gave up gluten last year; and I gave seafood and dairy seven days ago.

After reading Skinny Bitch for the umpteenth time, I finally decided it was time to let it all go. All of the things that I love so much but don't love me back had to go, like garlic butter and lobster tails, grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream and a glass of milk to wash it down with.... goodbye, au revior, hasta luego, das vidania!

And surprisingly, it isn't as hard as you'd think. Case in point: I was in San Francisco last week, and I went to my FAVORITE sushi restaurant, and instead of getting a salmon skin hand roll, I modified it and got an avocado and scallion hand roll. Just as decadently delicious, but without shoveling animal flesh down my throat.

As for why I quit dairy, living in NYC amplifies your allergies, and I developed a mild sinus allergy to all things delicious animal by-product. After consuming cheese, sour cream, creme fraiche, lattes, et al, my sinuses would drain uncontrollably. One day after not having any dairy, my sinus canal hath dried up.

It's a miracle. I'm not eating half as much as I used to (and I'd already cut way back), and I'm not as hungry. I think my stomach is shrinking which is GREAT!

xJax

Talk to Me

I had a nervous breakdown this morning. Yesterday I weighed 194.6. Today, I weighed 199.8. How the fuck could I have possibly gained 6 pounds in one damn day!?!?!?!?!?!? I barely ate anything. I'm SO over it. I HATE my body. I literally despise my reflection.

After crying uncontrollably for an hour, I decided that instead of jumping out of the window (which I SERIOUSLY contemplated), I'd try another method: Twitter.

From what I hear, it's the best way to get of-the-moment inspiration in real-time. Follow me on twitter at @GirlGoingAna, where I'll be tweeting random quotes and thinspiration images, and thoughts about my diet, exercise, my body issues, as well as doling out advice (once I'm in a position to share, that is).

What are your twitter handles? Follow me, and I'll follow you! I need as much support as I can get!

UPDATE: I weighed myself and hour later and weighed 195.4. MUCH better than 199.8! Still awful though. :(

xJax

Mind Over Munching/Matter

As you all know, I'm in the process of moving. While cleaning off my bookcase yesterday, I came across a journal from 2008, and this is what I found doodled on one of the pages:

-I am this pen; slim, smooth, trim, beautiful, and lean.

-My body can feed off of itself for a few months.

-Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

-Control. Mind control and portion control. Control.

-I will be thin. Just think thin.

- [Bodies I Love]: Chanel Iman, Genevieve Jones, Carrie Bradshaw, Ashley Olsen, Rachel Bilson.

Quite baffling that I haven't reached my goal yet. IN OVER 2 YEARS! Does food have that much power over me?

Not anymore.

xJax

Unexpected Insight

Every weight loss book, expert, blog, et al says the same thing: "You HAVE to eat breakfast if you want to lose weight." For years, I've tried my damnedest to abide by this cardinal rule. (Plus I believe that breakfast is the most delicious meal one can eat.)

Fast forward to this morning. My college friend is visiting from Kentucky, and he's doing all he can to drop weight as well. His amazing response to my 'always eat breakfast' sermon?

"I don't understand how eating anything will help me lose weight."

Well said, B. Well said. He's a manorexic and doesn't even know it. Seems as if I should be turning to him for advice.

xJax

Change Location, Change Luck...

(...That's one of my favorite lines uttered by Carrie in the Sex and The City series.)

I have news... after weeks of scouring the island of Manhattan for new digs, I have a new apartment and it's PERFECT. I currently reside on the Upper East Side (Gossip Girl-ville), but next month I'll be a proud resident of Times Square/Midtown. I'm really excited to live in such a bustling neighborhood, and be able to walk to work! Bonus, there's a swimming pool and a 24-hour gym in the building. Talk about NO EXCUSES. And a sexy new address should be accompanied by a sexy new body right?

Just more motivation to lose the weight.

Off to L.A.! Will check back in soon.

xJax

Mission 1: Mind Over Matter

Girls!

So very sorry for my absence; since I last checked in, I've spent a good amount of time in France, Germany, and Switzerland, so I'd scaled back my thinspo efforts, for obvious reasons. (Damn that decadent European food.) Though technically, this reason shouldn't be that obvious, as if I'm really serious about dropping pounds, theoretically I should be able to live in a cupcake factory and still lose weight.

Mind over munching/matter is my current mission.

But I'm only human, and it takes time to erase and rewrite my thoughts/feelings about food. Progress won't happen over night, and I'm comfortable with that, as long as I don't back-peddle. If I were to lose 100 pounds in 24-hours, I guarantee you I wouldn't appreciate it. Working for it makes me feel like I've accomplished something, and I get a thrill from seeing the scale inch down ever so gently.

The good news is, when I landed back in NYC yesterday, I weighed the exact same as when I left! The bad news is, I weighed the exact same as when I left!

To put things back into perspective, I've jogged a total of about 8 miles in the last day-and-a-half, so I've hit the ground running, literally. On my way down to 180, and I need as much help as I can get. Do continue to leave your comments, positive or negative. I read them all, and they're absolutely food for thought on this mission that binds us together in our 'Striving for Skinny Sorority'.

This post is all over the place. I'm jet-lagged and half-sleep. Off to slumber. Be back soon with a story about my nude pics and my 'body bucket list'.

xJax

P.S. - I'm re-reading Skinny Bitch, because I could use a little tough love right now.

Quote of the Day: YOU CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT!

xJax

The Lovely Bones

This is what I'm working towards every single day. Every single day. This week I lost 6 lbs. and got under 190 lbs. for the first time since LAST SEPTEMBER. I had been hovering between 190-195 since then. This time next week, I pray to be under 185. (I'd be happy with losing 5 pounds a week; I'd be very satisfied with that.)

And once I can see protruding bones, I'll be OVERJOYED! (I haven't seen bones on myself since high school!)

Click the image below twice to enlarge.

xJax

A Must Read: Overcoming Overating

Between my travels to Paris and Tokyo, I spent a day at Barnes & Noble in Union Square, perusing the self-help aisle. For some divine reason, I suddenly realized I'm not strong enough to do this alone.

Yes, I have this blog to vent, and your blogs to read, but I still need to understand my issue from a medical, mental standpoint.

After a few hours, I settled on Overcoming Overeating by Lisa Marrone, PT. This profound piece of literature deeply explores many of the REAL REASONS why we have issues with food, what exactly obesity means for your health in the long run (did you know that being overweight is linked to dementia?), and how to overcome your mental addiction to food.

I can now admit that my addiction to food is as strong as any heroin addict's addiction to smack.

Oh, and the fact that this book has 5-stars accompanied by countless glowing comments on Amazon.com is just a bonus.

So... have any of you ever turned to self-help literature for advice and enlightenment? If so, what books/blogs/websites have helped you along in your journey?

xJax

When You're On the Brink of Binging...

... Log onto Craving for Thinspiration, which is exactly what I do. It's where I go to find poignant pictures like this:

Really puts it all into perspective, doesn't it.

I have tried restricting, but not purging. I think I'll give it a go.

Are any of you purging? How do you feel afterward? Any tips?

xJax

If Only I Had Emily's Willpower...

"I'm on this new diet where I don't eat anything, and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese." The bitchiest assistant ever, Miss Emily from The Devil Wears Prada.

Hi girls!

Nothing good to report really - I spent the bulk of the month in Paris and Tokyo, and came back weighing the same amout I did when I left. All that walking and light eating, and I'm still where I started when I left. I'm SO frustrated.

I guess the good thing there is that I've not gained anything extra.

Though I really want to hurl myself out of the window.

And Emily?

That's all.

xJax

I Understand How Being Fat Conjures Up Thoughts of Suicide

I finally get it.

I understand how people can want to hurl themselves out of the window after looking in the mirror, or trying on clothes.

For some reason, all of my bras are all of a sudden too small. Even though I'm losing weight everywhere else, it seems as if my breasts are getting bigger.

I'm fucking sick of it.

I hate how I feel after eating. I hate how I feel when I look at myself. I hate how I feel everyday.

Thing is, I would NEVER commit suicide, but I get why others would want to take that route.

xJax

Currently...

...building an inspiration board that mostly features Genevieve Jones (look at that chest bone!), a socialite turned jewelry designer, and Miroslava Duma, fashion editor at Russian Harper's Bazaar. Love everything about these two; the mystery that surrounds them both, their figures, their style - I plan to morph into a myriad of them as soon as the weight falls off.

...watching Twilight repeatedly.Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that the universe sends me an Edward Cullen STAT. I want a man to love me the way he loves Bella.

...not eating potatoes, as I've given them up for Lent. French fries, mashed, baked, twice baked, potato chips - I've gone off them cold turkey. And surprisingly, I'm doing OK without them so far. Maybe the fact that I've lost 4 pounds has a little something to do with it.

...gearing up to start jogging every morning again now that fashion week is over. I have less than two weeks before I head to Paris to cover the shows, so I want to maximize that time.

...researching colonic hydrotherapy. I've never had one, and my sinuses drain constantly for no apparent reason. And since they say good health starts in the colon, I'm thinking it's time to flush it out. The fact that you can lose anywhere from 5 to 20 pounds after a colonic? Just a bonus. ;)

What are you all up to?

xJax

A Quick Update

Nothing really new here - I've hit another plateau and I'm pissed. I'm working out every single day, lifting weights, doing cardio, but for some reason my body is clearly content at a lardy 190 lbs. Even though my clothes are looser and I've lost inches, my body is becoming more muscular, and I can't seem to drop the pounds as a result.

There is one silver lining here - I've become freakishly flexible. I'm hoping to put this to use once I'm allowed to have sex again.

To that end, my trainer has placed me on a new diet. I am to consume a low-fat fruit smoothie in the morning for breakfast, and a shit ton of veggies for the remainder of the day, save for a piece of fruit for snack.

How yummy.  (I'm working hard to convince myself of this.)

One drink and the rest is roughage. I guess that's what I should have been consuming all along.

She also has me working out nonstop; I hope I can keep up with this for the next few weeks. I'm heading to Vegas for work over the weekend, and we all know how I get when I travel...

xJax

Everything Just Seems SO Trivial Right Now...

Earthquake. Haiti. Over 100,000 feared dead. Virtually everyone is homeless. People are missing. Aid is slow to arrive.

Shit just got real.

If you're reading this, know that we are truly blessed.

Seeing the heartache that this earthquake has caused has put everything into perspective for me once again. Not only have I donated clothes and money to help Haiti, I'm also planning to skip several meals. If they can't eat - why should I?

Here I am CONSTANTLY whining about being fat, when I'm only fat because I spend a shitload of money on food. It's a vicious circle that some can't even afford to spin around in. And here I am, taking it all for granted.

I've been wasteful and gluttonous my entire life, and I don't want to be that way anymore. This earthquake has totally streamlined my views on life.

What are you girls doing differently in the wake of this crisis?

xJax

The Weight Loss Queen: Lily Allen

Seriously, she's the inspiration of today. She allows her weight to balloon when she's going through a personal crisis, but when she's over it - she snaps right back to her size 2/4 frame. And it seems like the magical weight loss happens so quickly, like in one day. How the fuck does she do it?

xJax

Keeping Up With My New Year's Resolutions

That means I've been back in the gym. Actually working out. Want to know what I hate the most?

Cardio. Like, HATE it.

The elliptical, the treadmill, the stationery bike—they all suck MAJOR ass.

But according to my trainer, it's the only way I can drop weight quickly.

Other than restricting, that is. Skipping dinner really works. So right now, I'm combining both. Let's see how far this gets me!

Any other tips to share?

xJax

Current Thinspiration: Christina Aguilera & Nicole Richie

Don't they look so thin and sexy and chic and beautiful?

Le sigh.

xJax

I Have a Negative Relationship With Food

I grew up in a home where you had to clean your plate at all meals. Period. No questions asked, you eat every single morsel on your plate.

Throughout my adult life, I've held on that. As if that's not enough, I picked up the sordid habit of eating SUPER fast, to the point that I didn't really even chew my food. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow un-chewed bites?)

Looking back, I realize the way I was raised with food wasn't healthy, and didn't lend well to healthy food relationship down the line.

Every day I'm working on undoing the damage my parents placed on me; now I try to chew, chew, chew to the point that there's nothing but mush in my mouth, and I consciously try and leave at least half of my food on my plate. (Which is hard, because you want to get your money's worth—food is expensive!) Last night was a breakthrough, I left exactly half of my polenta in the bowl—baby steps!

Realizations like this are helping me along in my journey to drop the weight.

xJax

I'm bring in 2010 at...

...195.4 pounds. I'M SO ASHAMED. Check in with me on 12/31/10 - I guarantee I will half this. Yup - 97.7 pounds. That's not a resolution, it's a SOLUTION.

Off to Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon's NYE bash! Happy New Year girls!

xJax

My Weight Resolutions for 2010

New Year's Resolutions. Le sigh.

I know that most people make them, but this year I'm publishing my list as a testimonial to myself and to all of my readers that I WILL better myself and my body in the coming year.

In 2010, I vie that I will...

- take it one day at a time, and not get overly frustrated. And when a day seems too long, one hour at a time.

- fully understand that I didn't become obese in one day, so I won't become thin in 24 hours either.

- keep myself busy when I'm bored (which is when I tend to mindlessly binge eat).

- drink my weight in still water each day. (And not get pissed about spending so much time in the loo.)

- remember that sparkling water doesn't count as water.

- trust myself, and know that I will reach my goals if I continue to be steadfast on my journey.

- remember that my previous tactics didn't work, and that I have to rely on more intense methods to continue to drop weight.

- constantly think about the future, and envision myself as the total package when I reach my goal.

- not bother with getting into a relationship (or having sex) until I meet my third goal weight. That will be my reward to myself.

- be thoroughly grossed out by my body each morning. I will examine every fat roll and cellulite dimple and keep my eyes on the prize.

- stay far, far away from fast convenient food, and take my time in choosing what I decide to nourish my body with. (The more time I take to choose a food, the higher the probability that I will not even bother to eat!)

- chant fat, fat, fat over and over again when I feel myself faltering and about to cave.

- remember that every morsel I consume is a step backwards in my overweight plight.

- visit thinspiration sites every single morning while I'm having a light breakfast to remind me not to overeat.

- work very hard at only consuming fruit and veggies. Starch is my drug of choice, and if you let me I'll get a hit every single day, three times a day.

- keep up with the parts of me that are beautiful. My hair will always be done, my nails and toes will always be freshly painted, and I will not skip my monthly massages, waxes, and facials. Lately I've been slacking on these things because subliminally I've felt like I didn't deserve them since I am fat, and no one gets to enjoy them anyway since I'm single, but that's about the change.

Bye-bye 2009! I'm getting thin in 2010!

xJax

Coffee Curbs the Urge for Dinner

I must've drank too much coffee this evening, as I planned to have some sort of semblance of dinner, but I had the worst case of coffee cramps ever.

Ever.

Drinking a cup of Colombian on an empty tummy is definitely a double-edged sword; on one hand, it fills me up for hours on end in exchange for minimal caloric intake. (Which I love!) Though, on the other, it fucks with the acidity of my tummy since it's so strong; I couldn't even fathom the thought of dinner. (Which is bloody fantastic, because I was leaning toward ordering Chinese tofu over rice. Fat, fat, fat. And more fat.)

Thanks Starbucks! I'm one missed meal closer to my goal weight.

xJax